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My brave husband lost his fight against pancreatic cancer on 15 June 2010. I want to tell you a little bit about what the hospice means to me and why I am prepared to jump out of a plane to raise money for it!  You all know what a difficult and traumatic journey Gary’s cancer took us on. After a major op in March 2010 I brought Gary home to die.  We had a hospital bed in our sitting room; I slept on the settee next to him, and nursed him for the next 8 weeks.  As the cancer started to do its worse that’s when I began to think I was living in hell. The nights were the worst……night time can be so lonely & frightening when your soul mate is lying next to you dying. Every night something went wrong, whether it be the syringe driver packing up, or Gary’s bag would leak or just that Gary wouldn’t settle it always happened in the middle of the night, while everyone is sleeping.  Then when I got to the point when I wanted to hide in the washing machine the district nurses suggested we go to the hospice.  I felt I had failed, that I had let Gary down, that he should die in our house surrounded by the love & security we had grown together in our home.             After 2 days in the hospice he amazed us all again & started to pick up.  What I didn’t appreciate is that the hospice made Gary feel safe and by feeling safe it gave him the opportunity to concentrate on living.  He began to eat, he could get the medical care he needed 24 hours a day, and just simple things like I could take him for a walk in his wheelchair without people staring at him because he looked so poorly, made a difference.  The staff scooped me up, and held my hand and allowed me to concentrate on giving my husband a lifetime of love in just a few weeks. When Gary’s death was imminent, I was petrified.  I was 34 years old, how could I watch my husband die? The pain & sadness in my heart was unbearable, I wanted to take a knife to my arm and self harm just to take the pain away from my heart, but I couldn’t show Gary because he didn’t want to leave me, and by showing him how scared & sad I was wouldn’t have allowed him the peace he needed to let go.  Since we arrived at the hospice I hardly left him and would sleep every night on the floor by his bed.  As his death grew closer I would sit with him at night, hold his hand and softly cry so no one could hear or see my pain, but the nurses would come in hug me, make me a cup of tea and just sit with me. They didn’t intrude on the intensity & closeness of me watching my husband slowly losing his grip on his life. We were slowly saying goodbye to each other with unspoken words, and the nurses were angels waiting in the back ground to guide us both through the end of our journey together. I promised Gary I would hold his hand through his fight until he let go of mine. . On Tuesday June 15 2010 at 1.15pm Gary let go of my hand.    The staff were amazing and treated Gary with so much respect.  They allowed me to stay with him until I was ready to let him go, they allowed me to wash him and make sure he was ready for his next part of his journey……the part which he would have to do alone.  Although I was so lucky to have such supportive family and friends around me I couldn’t have done it without the help of the hospice. There are so many things the hospice did to help us both face the end of Gary’s life, too much to talk about.  All I can say is that they were our lifeline.  Hopefully you will never need the hospice, but tragically so many families do. It’s not a place to die, it’s a haven that allows you to make every day count. Please sponsor me xxx

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