Self Portrait

by David Murdoch

 

Strange coloured spectacle at birth
Shady character of oversized girth,
Upstanding but somehow never tall
Screaming satire however big or small

Suspicion surrounded, excuses abounded
Always a picture of youthful arrogance
Suffocated by extravagance
For ever alone yet never left in peace

Fascinated by my own innocence
Though never wholly innocent since birth
Born out of youthful energy
Little pretence of loves pathetic dream

Singularly useless to mankind
Though always hoping for change
Electric mind flowing through weeks, months
Years holding landmarks of moments

Suddenly realising, occasionally, the squalid
existence of other selfs or serfs
Being swept along a turbulent stream
Watching the bread being grabbed from my mouth

 

David was born in Aberdeen on 21st January, 1965, the eldest of three children with two sisters.  He was academically bright, good at sports and music.  Throughout his childhood he was full of enthusiasm and always eager to excel at anything he tried.

David developed hypomania as a teenager and was diagnosed with manic depression at the age of twenty.  The illness dominated his life and David struggled to achieve anything he was proud of.

He became interested in religion and studied Theology at Aberdeen University, gaining a degree in July 2005. He wrote over 50 poems on several topics including religion and he was a talented actor and singer.

As a student David's illness adversely affected his ability to fulfil his ambitions and he did not respond positively to any of the drugs on offer.  He was admitted to hospital almost every year from 1995 until his tragic suicide on 23rd November 2008.

Rev Smart, Chaplain at Aberdeen University said of him:

"Of course, he was troubled - but in all his battle with illness and consequent mismanagement of money and fears and wondering where he fitted in, I never saw him in despair.  I saw him frightened and vulnerable, but he still had a zest for life and for the people he met, for books,  music, and ideas - and that is why we all liked him so much, I think.  In some ways, he lived better than many of us because he was a free spirit not bound by convention, or expectations, or routine, or prejudice.  Even when he was a bit demanding (and he could be demanding).  He will be missed."

David’s poetry

An anthology of David’s poems, Flying My Own Plane, has been published by Chipmunka Publishers.  It is available now as an ebook and will be available as a paperback by the end of the year. The family have very kindly arranged for the proceeds on the sale of 50 books to be donated to SANE for research into bipolar disorder.