Knowing how much to share in this section is difficult. There are some intimate and difficult details in our story but without documenting them the true impact of what we have been through is lost. I have decided to share it all in order to lift the lid on silence of baby loss which is and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I wear a mask most days and this will allow me to lift it temporarily: 

Looking forward to the 24th July 2019 my husband and I were over the moon to be expecting our first child, a little boy. We couldn't have been more excited and thrilled. After heartbreak and an early loss last year we were busy planning our future as a family of 3 and everything was falling into place... 

On 19th March I had reached 21 weeks and 6 days pregnant. This being our first pregnancy that had progressed to the second trimester I was trying to take everything in my stride but had become concerned about a couple of symptoms that I couldn't shake. Having run them by my midwife the week prior and her showing no concern I felt as though I was being dramatic but nevertheless, I spoke to the pregnancy triage clinic at our hospital and they had advised I pop in for some tests just to be on the safe side. Upon arrival the tests seemed fairly casual and in a room of about 7 other pregnant ladies, I was by far the earliest in my pregnancy. During the final test however I was told that my membrane had started to bulge through my cervix. At this point, baring in mind I was only 5 months pregnant, I did not understand the severity of the situation. I was told to lie back on my bed and the hospital staff chucked my belongings onto the bed with me and started to wheel me out. All of a sudden, I was be pushed into the delivery suite...

Not long after my arrival on the delivery suite a consultant came to examine me and explain further. My cervix had started to open prematurely, the baby's membranes were bulging through and on top of that, they suspected I had contracted several infections. Thankfully they had not reached my son however. I was told it was too late for any preventative measures and that they expected me to give birth within 24 hours and the chances of my son surviving at this extreme prematurity were next to nothing. We were devastated. The next day labour started naturally and we prepared for the worst.

During the next two weeks labour intensified, I was was given many drips and antibiotics, I was moved room to room, I heard multiple women giving birth, I received steroids to try and strengthen his lungs and then labour died down somewhat. Everyday my husband and mother came to visit. Mothers day passed and we began to feel hopeful because the baby's heartbeat had remained strong. We were days away from 'viability'. The neonatal team even came to visit as they  were now willing to step in should our son arrive and need help. Hope now seemed real.

On 2nd April we had reached 23 weeks and 6 days. A couple of symptoms had started to creep back however. I reported this to the midwife and upon inspection it was confirmed that I was fully dilated and that our son would be born today. We had an issue though, that labour had stopped. My husband again rushed to the hospital, meanwhile I was being pumped with magnesium as a preventative measure to try and protect baby's brain. I was being asked to push. Time at this point is a blur. We were having checks for the heartbeat about every 15 minutes. Hours in, one check revealed our sons heart rate had dropped dramatically down. An ultrasound was wheeled into the room. More checks were performed by two doctors and they confirmed our sons heart had stopped. This was devastating but made even harder by the fact that he was stuck inside me. He had fallen out of the womb sideways and become lodged. The placenta had broken up at this point. Hours later, Cole Gabriel Haddock was delivered in theatre as I needed help. He was perfect. We got to spend the night with him which will remain so special and yet the most painful night of our lives.

On 30th of April we said our goodbyes at Cole's funeral. Life has been hard and made more difficult by another early loss in June. We have been to many follow up appointments and part of our struggle is because there was no real medical reason for the events that took place. Every turn offers a trigger, be it social media announcements and photos, advertising catching me despite changing my preferences multiple times or simply a well meant comment from someone unaware of our journey. Since Cole's birth I have been receiving support and counselling from CHUMS baby loss service. Not only have they offered much needed one on one sessions at my home but they also run a monthly support group where I meet and get to talk to other parents who have experienced similar situations and loss. I couldn't be more grateful for this service which I continue to benefit from. It also highlights to me the power of sharing our stories.

Now on 24th July, the day that was supposed to be, I will be walking the 10 mile distance between our home and the hospital where our son Cole was born. I will be doing this in his memory but also to raise money to support the charity that has been there for me and continues to support me since this life changing event.

I am thankful for you reading my story, your words of support and if you are able, for any donation you can give.

(Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving - they'll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they'll send your money directly to the charity. So it's the most efficient way to donate - saving time and cutting costs for the charity).