Thanks for taking the time to visit my JustGiving page. Here is my story...

Having children is something you assume will simply happen. In fact, as women, it seems we spend a considerable amount of our life trying not to get pregnant. To me, it always seemed to be the other stuff that would be a challenge; meeting the right partner, setting up a comfortable home, developing a successful career… yet these things miraculously fell into place for me. So, when the time felt ‘right’ to extend our family, we assumed it would happen in good time. We were wrong. 

In the early months of trying, I now see that I had a very early miscarriage.  The specifics of this are a little gruesome so I’ll spare the details, but I was aware that something had happened and struggled to process what that meant. I was upset but unsure what right I had to grieve over something that I didn’t really understand. I pushed on as I always do telling myself that these things happen, that I am not special, and by reviewing the statistics of such things telling myself there was no need to dwell on it… 

A year into trying, there had been no other progress, so we followed NHS guidelines and sought medical review, yet the timing was awful… during the summer of 2020 the world's healthcare systems were understandably overwhelmed with the pandemic and such investigations were limited. What was found, however, brought our first major obstacle. I had a large mass on my uterus. 

After a few stressful months of assuming the worst and not really understanding the implications of this mass, it was finally deemed likely to be benign and unlikely to be causing our infertility. It was, however, recommended to remove it. There were risks in doing this, as the mass had a very strong blood supply, but thankfully it was removed a few months later with minimal complications. 

Recovery from this major surgery was a challenge and took its toll, but in a world that was imminently going into yet another lockdown I felt very grateful to be safe and well at home. Over the coming months as I got stronger and stronger and as such an awful year was finally coming to an end I felt a renewed sense of hope… and this is where it all seemed to fall into place. I found out I was pregnant. 

2020 had been difficult on so many levels, yet when I was out on a dog walk one night I’d started to allow myself to picture a positive future and, for the first time in my life, saw a shooting star. This little moment stuck with me, and seemed to be a sign of the positive things to come, as it was just a few days later I got my first ever positive pregnancy test. 

Unfortunately, this pregnancy ended tragically on Christmas Eve. As we’d been revelling in the joy of this news amongst the despair of a Christmas in lockdown, we’d found our own little paradise and enjoyed the fun and thrill of finally being able to make plans for a baby. They all came crashing down as I started, and continued, to bleed. This time was easily the darkest in my life.

My initial coping strategies were outrageously unhealthy. I pushed away my grief, closed off from those around me, and threw myself into work. It took months to realise I could not go on in such away, and I started to look into tools to help process what was happening. The Mariposa Trust offered links and guides online that provided validation for my grief and a community to make me feel less alone. These, along with some amazing friends and family, helped bring me out of the darkness.

As it stands now, our journey continues. Since then I have had extensive investigations, additional surgery, and continue to battle with a struggling healthcare system. We still have no real answers, and I am still grieving. But, what I do now have is a better understanding of this experience, a validation of my emotions and a strength I didn’t know existed. Infertility and pregnancy loss has taken so much, but it has also given me a lot; extreme gratitude for the blessings we do have, a marriage that is as strong as ever, and now an opportunity to give back to an organisation who kept me from the brink. 

I appreciate my telling of this story is heavy and emotive, and I also appreciate so many others have experienced far worse and will be continuing to find their own way to process it. If you or someone you know has faced similar issues, know there are some amazing people and organisations out there working hard to get you the help you need to get through this. It is there when you’re ready. 

If you’ve read this all, thank you. If you’ve been there for me in recent years (which I know hasn’t been easy) you’re a hero. If you’re willing to donate, you’ll be making a difference to one of the saddest but toughest communities out there. A few pounds really could make all the difference.

On the 9^th October I’ll be running for everyone who has been through similar, every life that did not get to be, and for my little shooting star. How loved you would have been.