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Suicidality. This is now my base level. It has taken me almost 2 years to relearn the skills that are required to simply write this story and I am *hoping* to find some help in restoring my own life, and potentially the lives of others too. It is only now, that I have been quite literally forced into confronting the matter; as it just isn't feasible, or even responsible for me to ignore any longer.
I was made homeless during a stay in hospital and released without any concern for myself or my child and haven't been offered any therapy. I wish that there was a way of measuring emotion, or what has gone on inside my brain over the past 7 years; but I know first hand, without a shadow of a doubt - I am now absolutely debilitated because of the countless mistakes that have been made under the NHS. One of the most pressing being throughout the entire duration of my adolescence, a vital stage in the precipitation of ones identity; constant, miscalculated prescriptions with no therapy. Not only has this maintained a constant chemical disconnect between the regions of cognition accessible to conscious thought, but those intrinsically responsible on a subconscious level for the manifestation of a sense of individuality and personal definition, such that which may be presented externally was far removed from a personality of organic derivation. In layman terms; I don't know who I am without being under the influence.
It is, simply outrageous that my mental health issues were reduced so quickly to a biochemical imbalance that was evidently never there in the first place. Half-heartedly put on a concoction of different drugs I was completely misinformed about - when it is already known that medication does not alter the way people relate psychologically to their experiences. I was prescribed so many medications so young, alone, without even so much as being loosely observed by a clinician. I was left to my own devices while under the influence of very dangerous drugs that were obviously changing my brain chemistry, and ultimately creating disease.
Compounded with the blockades imposed by one suppressing significant trauma, typical cerebral communication between cortexes is no longer facilitated in the manner that would otherwise accommodate normative functioning - subsequently evolving a persona that is erratic and unpredictable. The awareness of my own erraticism continues to degrade my self image and furthers the defenses already at play, until the process may be considered that of an exponential runaway (referred to commonly as episodic). Periods of pharmaceutical independence and detoxification catalyze a redress in synaptic reinforcement such that lucidity is restored within a reasonably ephemeral duration of time - though the issues I have been prior subjected to at the mercy of narcotic saturation reside long after the medications have passed from my body.
In hindsight - I am - with some justification, angry about what has happened to me. There is nothing but pain in my life, I have very little control, if any at all, and know that it will take a tremendous amount time, effort and money in order to ever have a chance of getting better, or at the very least - having some kind of quality of life, free from the shackles of psychiatry.
I wish to then start helping others. I am working on a project that I hope one day I will be able to make a reality.
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Isabella Morgan started crowdfunding