Since 1983, I've operated under the following assumptions:

• Nicotine is a vitamin.
• A "continental breakfast" consists of a couple of filter-less Gauloises.
• Navy cut cigarettes are clearly wonderful because our navy sank the Bismarck.
• 'Halfzware shag' is Dutch for "extra healthy tobacco."
• Filters and 'light' cigarettes are for girls.

... and have, as a result, spent the last 33 years on a diet largely consisting of a (literally) breathtaking array of strong cigarettes and rolling tobaccos.

It is perfectly possible that some of those tenets (with the exception of the last one) are slightly misguided and I've decided that it's time to change the habit of a third of a century.

To that end, I'll be joining in the NHS's 'Stoptober' initiative and refraining from smoking for the month of October (and hopefully thereafter, but I'm not asking you to pay for that).

I shall be doing it the hard way (no vape sticks or nicotine patches for this old trooper) and I'll need a little encouragement to get me through. There's no better way to do that than to attach myself to a good cause, so I'll be raising money for the Birmingham Children's Hospital Charity in the process.  I'll add the month's 'baccy budget to whatever I can raise here.

As a special bonus, if I can raise more than £500 in contributions, I'm prepared to humiliate myself by doing the Movember thing - yes, I am prepared to look like even more of an an idiot than usual for 30 whole days if people are prepared to stump up a monkey or more.  The chance to help poorly kids by making me look like a hipster fashion-victim is probably the best offer you'll get all day, so please dig deep.

Thank you.