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Charlie's Story:   

I had experienced a great deal of pain later on in Charlie's pregnancy but on January 7^th 2011 this pain got very quickly unbearable . I was taken to East Surrey Hospital. The ambulance man assumed I was ‘just’ in early labour.  What was actually happening was that my uterus had ruptured and so had my bladder, I was bleeding internally and my poor Charlie was struggling to stay alive, and so was I. 

They rushed me to theatre and performed an emergency c-section under general anesthetic where I had to have a blood transfusion.  They managed to stabilise Charlie and some 3 hours later they had stabilised me at and I was out of surgery.

Charlie was transported to St Peter’s hospital which has a fabulous neo natal unit.  I was given a picture of him and about 8 hours later the nurses rigged up drips and goodness knows what in an ambulance so that we could be transported to be with our son. The the surgeons, midwives and nurses were absolutely amazing to both of us. I was not really well enough to travel but they knew I had to be with Charlie. This was to be the start of almost 3 days of falling in love with our gorgeous baby. We decided to have him Christened. It is hard to explain how you can love someone so intensely in 3 days. 

On the 9^th January the specialist came and told us that Charlie had had another bleed to the brain and would not survive. It was the kindest thing to turn off the machine and let him slip away while he was not in pain. Charlie was so strong and fought so hard. We held him for about an hour before he stopped breathing. This was the most precious time we had with him, emotional and beautiful at the same time. The hospital were fantastic. The Sands trained staff and midwives were so kind and gentle. We spoke to a councillor and our vicar came up to be with us too. We are not staunchly religious but we found the church to be a great comfort.

Our parents, siblings and our darling Alfie all came to the hospital to meet Charlie while he was still alive. Both my family and Colin’s were invaluable. Colin had the awful job of registering Charlie’s birth and death at the same time and organising the funeral. Sands were responsible for helping to make all the above just slightly easier. Their trained staff were with us throughout the whole process from birth to death. 

Charlie is still a part of our lives. Alfie remembers him and we celebrate his birthday every year sending a balloon off and attend a lovely service at Christmas.  It has been really tough on Alf. He was so scared and shocked when he saw me in hospital, it took ages for him to let me out of his sight. He had nightmares and he wondered if he was going to disappear somewhere too, or Mummy, or Daddy. Once again, Sands helped us with literature for him and suggested CAMHS and other organisations to help. 

The surgeons have mended my uterus, however I cannot have any other children.  Therefore, other babies are not an option for us.  I miss Charlie so much, words cannot describe. I felt like I was being punched every time I saw or heard a new born baby.  The Sands 'befrienders' and other members were there for me at all these random moments where I thought I would go mad or give up.

You should never have to bury your child. Grief never leaves totally, but the rawness of it is does subside and it gets a easier. The good days become more frequent. We were blessed by the support from our families and friends. The literature, advice and friendship that we received from Sands and the constant support from the group is invaluable. Thank you for everything. 

Love you forever our brave boy Charlie. xx

Jo Francis