Not a week goes by when I don't think about my childhood friend Rachel. She was part of a close-knit group of friends that were a huge part of my formative years growing up in East Lancashire. It was this bunch of feisty girls that partly helped to shape who I have become as an adult. Sadly in 2014, Rachel took her life after years of struggling with depression.

As adults, we hadn't seen each other for years but we kept in touch via Facebook. I knew she had been through some extremely difficult years, especially when her mum (who she was very close to) died of cancer. From what I could see she was still the life and soul of the party. But that is just it, on Facebook you see the smiles and the good times, but what you don't see is the pain and the struggles that many people go through in their minds.

My biggest regret is that despite trying to arrange a catch up, we never got around to it. A few months after we tried to arrange this, she was gone. I would have told her that I too have struggled with depression for most of my life and that, despite appearances,  in 2014 I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. Mental well-being is one of the last of society's great taboos, but it is getting better thanks to charities like Mind highlighting that it can affect anyone, at any time in their life, and sometimes for no *obvious* reason. Many people fear that admitting to things like depression is a sign of weakness or that it would affect your ability to get on with life and affect how people view and treat you. The truth is that most people are very good at concealing it, they continue to function and to get things done, they put on a brave face, even joke about to spare others from feeling uncomfortable. But a person can only bottle up this anxiety, fear and pain for so long. Without support, people get to breaking point. Maybe if we could be more open about mental well-being, we would still have many of our friends and loved ones.

But this is not the end of Rachel's story because even though she was no longer here, she inspired me to keep going in an unexpected way through music...

I started violin lessons when I was 7 years old. This apparently was no coincidence because my parents had drowned out my scriking as a baby with Mozart, Handel and Bach. So when I first heard a violin I knew I wanted to play one. I sounded terrible for a good few years and shortly after I started lessons, so did Rachel. We were taught in Accrington at the Music Box by Mr Brons who patiently got us to grade 5 by age 13.

Rachel also went to dancing lessons in Haslingden, I tried that out too, but to be fair I have two left feet (so glad no evidence of my one week of dancing classes exists). Anyway, it was this brief foray into dancing where I came across 80s pop like the Eurythmics and 90s dance music. No one believes me, but I feel there are many similarities between my baroque violin pieces and some classic 90s dance music - the way the music is layered, repetition, motifs etc (nope, you're not buying it - fine! I did bomb out of my A-Level in music). In the darkest months of 2014, I started listening to this music from my childhood as a way of remembering better times and to grieve for the person that Rachel was and the fact that she would never have the chance to become the amazing woman that I and other people saw in her.

I have been given many second chances and opportunities to turn things around over the last 12 years. In 2015, I went for a job interview and I don't know why but I sat in a cafe beforehand listening to 90s dance music and specifically I remember Don't Stop Movin' (I also did the funny superwoman stance in the toilets on the instruction of my palaeontologist friend). I pretty much wrote myself off afterwards, but later saw big inflatable letters outside Manchester Student Union spelling out RAG. A few weeks later my life had taken a turn for the better. It is when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable that people (like me, you and Rachel) need support. Sometimes that comes from friends and family, sometimes that comes from within, sometimes you need to talk to someone completely impartial. It is the latter talking therapies that have taken a hit with funding cuts over the years, but it is these services that can make a huge difference.

It also happens that 90s dance music is great for helping to get to a sub-1hr pace. The last event I participated in was the Manchester 10k. I donated to the Access Manchester Fund and took part in this event as a thank you to the University of Manchester. They took me in age 18 as a no-hoper who had screwed up their A-Levels and stimulated my mental faculties so I left with a 1st class degree. I ran this last 10k in 1hr, 1min, 3secs - this time I am determined to get sub-1hr. I will be writing an update soon with my super cheesy Spotify playlist!

Please donate whatever you can. In a parallel universe where mental health isn't a taboo, I imagine I got to catch up with Rachel. Help Mind to make that universe a reality for other friends. 

Thank you x