I find it hard to ask for help. The context isn’t important, I have a strong need for independence and I find it uncomfortable to get help with anything. Maybe its pride, how I was brought up, self worth, need for control, or a stiff-upper-lip British thing, whatever the case, it’s hard. As a result, it’s taken me a while to decide to create and share this. But I need help so if not now, then when?

The short story is that after an Ileostomy 7 years ago, I should have been monitored annually due to increased risk of cancer in the remaining large bowel. I didn’t realise until speaking to doctors this year that I had inflamed bowel remaining and that it must be monitored. The consequence of this omission is that the untreated inflammation became cancerous which was identified June 2023. I underwent completion proctectomy in hospital a few weeks later. A visit that should have been 3-5 days but became three weeks due to complications in surgery where I was under general anaesthetic for 36hrs. Over that period there were many things that could have gone better and I had to undergo an intense procedure and second surgery almost landing me back in ICU just a few days after leaving. I won’t go into all the details, but almost every day felt like more bad news with no timescales to put me at rest or give hope. It was tough.

At the end of my first surgery, awakening in a dark and cold Intensive care unit, in the middle of the night, where a doctor explained that It wasn’t Thursday anymore, the day I went in, it was now Friday night. My only choice was to trust people I’ve never met to handle everything. The control and independence I’ve fought so hard for, was gone in the blink of an eye and I was left with fear.

Enduring the post-surgery recovery process is hard enough to do once, but to get part way, just starting to walk a few paces, and be pushed back to the start with a second surgery was devastating. I didn’t even know if this was it, was surgery done now or would I need more? Not knowing was excruciating.

From playing badminton and running 5km three times a week, I left hospital scarred, unable to work on what I love, barely able to walk, and reliant on family to do almost everything. Getting those things back, that’s what recovery is, and it was just starting.

I don’t really like sharing personal things either. That might be surprising if you’ve read the health updates I’ve been sending out over the last few months to keep people updated. It feels a little self-important to share those things with others as if it should be as important to them as it is to me. I get that it isn’t, that’s fine.

That’s perhaps quite a dramatic story, but I’m not here asking for pity, life is tough for everyone and I know people that are in a worse position than me, personally and globally. But hopefully you’ll accept that I would still like to ask for help. In fact I’ve had many kind offers of help but with no avenue to receive it. Most of the time I never even know what help is being offered, maybe financial help was never what you offered, but if it was, I hope that offer still stands.

Physically my recovery since surgery has been going quite well, adjusting to a new normal for the second time in my life, so from the outside it looks like things are fine and it’s time to move on. But when it comes down to it, my head isn’t in it right now. Believe me, I’m trying. I’m struggling with concentration and motivation. I have many projects that I started prior to my diagnoses, things that I started because I’m passionate about completing them and proud to do so, but right now, I’m not able to work and progress in the way I once could. I’m worried I can’t complete things, and will let others down.

The reality is that I am improving now, I am regaining fitness and independence, but the last few months have been a terrifying rollercoaster where my priority had to be health. Being self-employed and the only employee of my business, I can’t ask a boss to take time off with pay, because If the business has no income, neither do I.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this is the hardest thing I have to go though, at least for a while.

Hopefully this goes without saying, but if you are considering support, please don’t give anything you can’t afford. Nothing would feed my guilt and insecurities more than knowing I’ve put others in a difficult situation. I know times are tough everywhere at the moment so I understand if now isn’t a good time. But if you can, you have my sincere thanks.