Everyone is telling me - don't think about your past - it's worst thing you can do to have good future. But what to do if past is still with me , literally ?
I have to say, I was decided become a soldier. I was preparing myself many years. Before I was supposed to sign in to army school I started feel very bad, my joints started hurt and I became weaker and weaker. I thought I'm just growing.
Then, after year of suffering of everydays pain my mother decided take me to doctor and make blood tests. Oh wow - rheumatoid arthritis and it was bad. Funny doc said - surprised you can still walk. Haha, thanks doc.
So I couldn't go to reach my dream. I can't even do similar thing. I'm useless now. What to do. Do I even want to still live? - I was so depressed. I had many pills I was supposed to take ( Prednisone, Methotrexate, biological treatment ). After these things I felt bit better physically, but my mental health was worse and worse. I wanted end my bad life many times.
What I will do next ? I'm not smartest, I'm not beautiful. So I tried other school. It was easy biological school.
But still.
I can't find proper job because of my disease. I can't stand longer then one hour. Who will give me job when I'm not able " work" properly ? I tried find administration Jobs , QA, etc. But guess what - 0 replies, probably because no experiences.
Uhm, silly me.
Back to topic - from my childhood I loved video games. Started on old Sega genesis, PS1 then computer. I was always good at war games , shooter games. Cod, Cs, Overwatch, etc.
I know I can be good, I know I can be the best! I know I can be able earn money and live normal life.
I never asked for help, but I do now. For the first time. It feels weird. I always thought asking for help is weakness. But, what if I don't have any other options.
I know it's silly - there is many people - very sick people - need money more then I do.
But I have hope, I hope that I will be able reach my second dream!