In December 2017 I found my beautiful sister an hour away from dying. She was rushed to critical care and for the next few weeks she went through many things that could have killed her, every day there was more bad news, sepsis, kidneys failing, the start of pneumonia but the worst thing of all was that her brain scan showed possible severe damage. The only thing I clung on to was that the consultant managed to wake her briefly when she was taken in and she recognised me. By some miracle she pulled through it all and came back home. Two months later in Feb 2018 she was diagnosed with mixed dementia at the age of 56. She says she knew she had to come back for me but she didn't know why. Now she does. In April 2018 I came downstairs to find my beloved partner dead. I cannot tell you how that moment felt but I see it every single day. I had to stay on the line to the emergency services but I also had to wake up his two children and tell them, it was and still is, the worst thing I have ever had to do and I feel incredibly guilty that I had to leave them whilst I spoke to the paramedics and police. To this day I cannot forget sitting at the table after and the kids realising they had become orphans, their mother died 5 years before.

The aftermath of his death was horrendous. The kids had to start their GCSE's & college exams two days after the funeral. Social services were pushing me to get Parental responsibility but I couldn't afford it so it dragged on. He was a special and brilliant person but his business died with him and he wasn't insured. I spent months dealing with the paperwork and it took months to empty his office, thankfully a friend recommended someone and he came to my rescue with the huge number of runs to the tip that followed at a cheap rate. I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it was to close the door knowing it was saying goodbye again to him - it just felt like such a waste of all his unique knowledge, just gone in a heartbeat. Then one night his close friends invited us out and for the first time in months the kids laughed and it was such a happy night. But when we got back to the house I just remember seeing these two scared boys holding their rabbits in the doorway, they had been attacked and one was bitten. We rushed to the vets and he said the operation for one would be £800, I didn't have that money and so I had to choose which one to save. It breaks my heart still because I felt so guilty but I was using my rent money to pay and the boys sat there and said '' it's ok we understand'' but these two pets were the last thing their mother had got them before she died. We got home and I remember stepping outside for a minute and hearing this howl and just finding this poor child breaking his heart, it's the last time he cried. The next morning I had to wake him up to tell him his rabbit was dying and then we sat on the floor and said goodbye. He got up and went to the garden and spent hours digging a perfectly rectangular grave. We buried them that evening.

At this point I had carried on working and caring fro my sister but the strain of closing the business was enormous not to mention transferring all the bills and then I had to pay another £500 to get the code to his lockup. It had 30 years of stuff from floor to ceiling. It took months to just go through it and there was nothing, just stuff and I was still paying to keep it. A dear friend said he would see if he could do some tip runs and he just emptied it all one day because he knew I couldn't afford a clearance, That same month we received a notice to quit our house, I won't bore you with why but it is a council house and it was in my partners name only and we are not entitled to stay and yes I have managed to pay the rent and bills, it's just housing legislation and it is final believe me and the housing people have been kind and brilliant so please no negatives. By hook or by crook I have pawned my jewellery, I have sold stuff from the house and I have had to borrow and repay money along the way to survive. I don't expect you to feel sorry for me or his children but I now have maybe 4-6 weeks to move and I have spent months getting rid of stuff and there is still a huge amount to somehow get rid of. I can only afford a 2 bed property so inevitably I will be sleeping on the sofa for the next few years - the kids are poles apart in personality so they will be in seperate rooms. But that is not my problem - even if I manage to somehow pack this house I cannot afford to move, the fees / deposit / upfront rent are huge and frankly for the first time in my life I am asking for help. The people that know me have begged me to do this for the last year but I am proud and I have come this far on my own. But now I am nearly broken, by the stress, by waking up every day worrying how I am going to do this, having had to do so much already. I just want these two children to be happy because I love them and so my pride has to go and I have to beg if that's what it takes. You may well be asking where my partners family are in all this, I would rather just say at this point they are not involved.

So that's my story and I haven't named my boys but if you know me you will comment that- If anyone out there needs advice on dealing with death I can write you a book, I am on first name terms with every department in the world !! Seriously though I am happy to advise anyone who is struggling with the mess that is left behind and will do that by private messaging if you want. It may not sound funny but I have a death book and the boys and me laugh because as I always say - I am living with dead people - but now I just want to start living and grieve.