My self destruct journey…….

So this is the part where I open up about my Situation and my current well-being but with an open and honest admission of my own down fall and subsequent current emerge need.

physiological my issues started many years ago bacl at school and always being that one who was always bullied at a time when i was coming to terms with my sexuality which back then was a much higher hurdle to get across than it is today. Then loosing both parents and having to readjust my life at still quite a young age. My one and only friend, and my best friend in life who was called Buster who was also mu much loved dog had to go to tje angels a few years ago but at a time where i fell in love with someone who was very much doted over and was my human who i would and did do anything for. The first 18 months were lovely even to the point i gave up my 1 bed social housing flat to move in with him in Worcestershir and i thought was was felt both ways, then things got difficult and covid didnt help and although hes not here to have his say he did introduce to 2 paticular hard and highly addictive and Psychological changing drug substances called Chrystal Meth and GHB. When an individual had some well hiden need to always need to be validated and wanted in life, this substance misuse Doesn’t next well with an underlying condition and after Just a few months Although I couldn’t see it it was changing me and during this time i found out he had been having at the very least conversations and sexual WhatsApp messages and videos being sent to another man for at least 14 months of our 3 year relationship and again put a brave face on things over me not being wanted. But my addiction diesease who i call the gremlim sitting on my shoulder was very much becoming stronger and therefore Winning the battle. As some of you will know is it that time I started my dream job, The job I’ve only really ever wanted to do and I was so proud to get it and Proud as punch my first day ultimately the gremlin was very strong And unfortunately I lost and although I’ve had many worst days of my life This was right up there with the worst of them. That was at the end of June and a relapsed again, and although I won’t go into too much detail of the next part because it’s a legal matter but I was coerced out The property I was renting in a house share because an ambulance called when medical need wasnt there or justifable in my opinion And since a week ago since that happened I’m not been allowed to be into the property in fact never the landlord or its worker let me a text to see how I am Jess I was never welcome back anyway that’s a fight for another day. 

Current emergency situation…..

My current situation is I am homeless and that comes to just as much of a surprise to me it does suit everyone reading this and of course that is fundamentally down to my drug misuse. Last few nights ive spent sleeping rough outside as there isnt support there should be even with being offered a B and B gor the nights and if it wasnt for another rough sleeper who very kindly provided basic rules around rough sleeping where to sleep, where to go and wash, where to go to a local church to get a cup of tea on Tuesday and Thursday along with a lot of other very wise to know street savy information: I’m working with some great guys at new hope which is a drug rehabilitation service along with helping me trying to rightly get the housing that i need but ultmately iis going to take months as my fellow rough sleeper said hes been waitimv 4 momths and is living in a tent in a field out of the town where he feels safe enough. Ive gone a week clean and the gremlin is slowiy getting weaker and i will continue to take each day at a time but ive never ever felt so dertimned and passionatly about getting better than i do today. They day the 90 day clean time is the first milestone to reach. However i am very vunerable outside and sleeping rough as i could very easily fall in the hands of and ill then be at a point of no return. Im also self haming where its very weird but i pluck my hairs from my beard which could then manifest into something more sinister.

Im not stupid or foolish enough to know my part in my downfall is very much my own making but my Determination to re-start my enjoyable life which ended some time and to be healthy which im very much not at the moment goes in acceptance i need emergency housing and thats not coming anytime soon from Bracknell local authority and therefore my aniexty and mental health concerns are increasing by the hour. 

My emergency need..:.

I have to accept that time is not really on my side I absolutely stink I’ve got the same clothes on that I’ve had on for 16 days and I do get reminded of this down the street it’s all chipping away at my resolve. The best safe and secure place to buy recovery is ultimately back in Swindon and although there are genuime reasons why I can’t sofa surf sofa at my immediate family in area, its the place where my recovery continues and have the best chance to reach my 46 birthday this time year.

i would use any donations kindly offered to Secure a modest apartment or one bedroom house or even a house here in Swindon over the coming days as the housing market in Swindon is quite positive and I’m confident I will get someone have a short space of time but of course I don’t have the funds and they all ask for a security deposit and months after that and I have tried everywhere to get this secured by other means But ultimately all that has Failed and That’s why I’ve clocked up the courage to open up the deepest part of my thoughts in the hope that maybe a small pounds to help me with target to secure my fresh hope in life and Making every get up in the morning worth while. Any funds Over the target would help me with clothing, some food and any furniture that may be needed to help with initial moving and settling in. However i have found just in this week a new found respect for the genuine rough sleepers who are up against it, so in the unlikley event of going over the 2.5k donation mark, any thing over and above will be given to a local rough sleepers team or to my support at New Hope who do amazing work for very little budget.

i totally appreciate that in the current climate not everyone is in a position to donate just a few quid and especially after some of my destruction is self made. But any generorosty you may be able to provide would be massiverly appreciayed and will all be put towards my fresh start and to finally be released from the pain and the shackles that have dominated my life for the last 12 months.

Thankyou for listening on what is a very emtional opening up and the start of loving myself first which is one of things which will be achieved from your support. 

Take Care

Duane Castleman