How You Can Help

Well, this is a double whammy as you get to help #NarcissisticAbuseVictims by embracing the ethos of 'Re-use Reduce Re-cycle' Here's how - it's been lying there forever you've been meaning to throw it out or give it away but never got around to it! Sell it so someone else who can get some use from it, and make a donation. Every penny counts.

Countless people continue to suffer in silence, and don't know how to change things. We want to raise awareness of this little known, often hidden and devastating form of abuse and so are fundraising for the not-for-profit organisation The Echo Society UK who support victims of Narcissistic Abuse.

Coercive and controlling behaviour became a criminal offence in England and Wales in December 2015 and more recently in Scotland in April 2019. This was a step in the right direction, raising awareness of a serious form of abuse that may be hidden while it's happening and leaves no visible scars. Domestic abuse is common: research shows that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men, regardless of age, ability or lifestyle, will be affected during their lifetime.

Narcissistic abuse is not reserved for intimate relationships, but happens with parents, siblings, their own and others children. It also manifests itself in friendships, with employees and colleagues. The effects can be equally damaging to the individual whatever the relationship.

There are two main types of abuse, overt and covert. Overt abusers, like certain prominent individuals on the worlds scene are easier to spot with their grandiosity and attention seeking. Covert abusers, exercise power and control from within the home, behind closed doors or in their sphere of authority and are harder to identify. Intimate partners, and family are their primary targets, when outsiders leave, the abuse begins.

An added burden for the #NarcissisticAbuseSurvivor, especially of a covert narcissist, is knowing people won’t believe you. This means you are discredited inside and outside of the abusive relationship.

How To Spot A Narcissist

The Narcissist

The Dark Triad relates to three related personality traits: Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy. These personality types are better known as: –

1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder - grandiose, lack of empathy, and egotist.

2. Malignant Narcissist - deceptive, exploitative, and self-interested.

3. Psychopath - anti-social sadistic behaviour and a callous lack of conscience.

People with these traits can function normally, are often successful, and are frequently the life and soul of the party. They surround us daily in our lives, the workplace, as partners, family and friends. They are usually the most charming person in the room. Masters of seduction and manipulation, they hook victims into a manipulative coercive mentally damaging liaison.

They go through a cycle of Idealise, devalue, discard. When they need someone to boost their morale and serve their inflated ego, they hook previous victims back in, known as the ‘Hoover Manoeuvre’. A Narcissist has an overwhelming sense of entitlement and entering into any form of relationship with them means they believe you are theirs for life. Prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse can result in (c)PTSD.

The pathological narcissist's behaviour, as per The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association, can be recognised by the following 9 criteria:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, exaggerated sense of one’s talents and importance.

2. Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations; can rationalise selfish acts as perfectly normal

3. Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

4. Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others; but often can feign empathy quite well

5. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

6. Requires excessive admiration, obsessed with oneself, very selfish

7. Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

8. Lacks capacity to be self-critical

9. Tendency to use people as objects

10. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

The Echoist (co-narcissist)

Unlike Narcissists the echoist is someone who puts everyone else’s needs and feelings first, care givers who cannot bear praise and hate being the centre of attention, they fear becoming a burden. They seldom talk about themselves but are great listeners and often blame themselves when things go wrong regardless of where the fault lies.

Echoists learn early in life that they can’t turn to people for help and bury their needs in the hopes that they’ll be accepted and loved. Because they demand so little, they are the perfect target for the narcissist who will actively seek them out to dominate with minimal effort required.

Echoists are not doormats. They are usually intelligent, kind and warm-hearted people, often more emotionally sensitive and aware than others. An echoist can easily get stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist where they learn to feel unworthy, unlovable and believe everything is their fault. They lose their dignity and sense of self.

If on hearing a new side to someone you've ever found yourself saying 'well they've never done me any harm' or 'it's their own fault for letting them treat them like that'; you could ask yourself, does that make abuse OK then?

If you want to support someone who has been in an abusive relationship here's how: Try to refrain from telling a #NarcissisticAbuseSurvivor 'you have to move on' or 'let it go', this trivialises the deep impact it has had. Don't invalidate the abuse they are experiencing by saying ' well not everyone is compatible with one another', there are two sides to every story' or 'some people are just like that'. Your good intent can backfire as it's not a case of a poor match, but enduring abuse. They're dealing with someone who is a pathological liar, with no empathy or remorse. Denying this means you will further gaslight them, and it's a form of victim blaming.

Do acknowledge the narcissists toxic manipulation and the strength of the trauma bond that occurs. Allow them to ruminate and analyse their thoughts, feelings and memories that cause cognitive dissonance.

Are You A Victim Of Narcissistic Abuse

If you think you might be caught up in a Narcissists web then knowledge will help you deal with and understand what's happening to you, Educate Yourself Further About Narcissistic Abuse and learn to identify the red flags, the below recommended ebooks by the psychotherapist Christine Louis De Canonville can be found at https://www.narcissisticbehavior.ne .

The Three Faces of Evil - Unmasking the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse.

When Shame Begets Shame - How a narcissist hurts and shames their victims.

For further information on the mythical legend of Echo & Narcissus: The Myth and Tragedy of Relationships with Narcissists

Links - Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

https://www.narcissisticbehavior.ne .

https://echoandnarcissustradgedy

http://www.theechosociety.org.uk