In December 2019, I got my positive pregnancy test. I was absolutely over the moon. I had a very relaxed 12 week, scan, normal midwife appointments and then- Covid struck in March 2020. I had to shield from work like most pregnant women, and life was very unusual. My pregnancy was fairly pleasant, though. I would obsess over statistics of things going wrong, I developed severe OCD where I would not sleep with the fear of something bad happening and having no control. I was told it would get better after I gave birth and to seek help if it didn't. But overall, I did not have any complications.

I gave birth to Grace in August 2020, weighing a healthy 8lb 1oz. From the moment I was handed her on the operating table, I knew I didn't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I didn't really feel anything at all. I remember thinking "Where is this rush that they all tell you about?". That was just the start of it for me. A lot of people don’t know this but I struggled immensely with PND, OCD and anxiety after having Grace. A mixture of the general Covid restrictions changing everything, quite a traumatic time after the surgery resulting in a haemorrhage, and just generally being the 1 in 4 who suffer from PND. I knew what the baby blues were, and I assumed it was perhaps a bad bout of those, but it just kept getting worse and worse. I then started with the hallucinations, paranoia, I didn‘t know what was reality and what was in my own head.

I was so low. So low in fact that I didn’t think I’d see Grace's first birthday, and not only did I see her first birthday and her first steps, I’m now here for her second birthday and hearing her put full sentences together and she makes me howl with laughter. I’m not ashamed or afraid to say anymore that I had a really really bad time. I was embarrassed, but I want to be the voice for other parents who are going or gone through what I did. I found it so hard and so isolating, I felt so horrible for feeling the way that I did despite having a healthy little girl.

Post natal mental illness is so terrifying and at the time you don’t see any kind of light after dark, everything is just tunnel vision and I’ve never felt sadness and fear like it. The sadness of not wanting to be here and not enjoying this motherhood dream that everyone talks about, not enjoying anything in life, feeling like a burden and like you’re not worthy of being a parent, but honestly, it DOES change. I don’t know when it happens and I don’t know how it happens, but one day things just click. You feel different. It doesn’t happen over night but it feels like it does. But it’s gradual. I can’t imagine ever feeling the way that I did last year. The way that I did on the ward when grace and I were admitted at 3 weeks post partum- I was too ashamed to tell anyone so I made out I was having the best time in my newborn bubble when really I was on a ward with my screaming baby and I just felt no hope. The nights I sobbed into Grace's arms apologising to her for being that way. I was admitted to hospital multiple times, given sleeping pills, anti depressants, a right cocktail just to try and get me through. Crisis teams, the Psych teams, Perenatal nurses and my Health Visitor did weekly visits but nothing seemed to help.

Huge shoutout to Ginette Varty, our nursery nurse who worked tirelessly to help me bond with Grace. Dr Rahul Gandhi (Consultant Perinatal Psychiatrist), and the other members of team at The Beeches, as well as everyone at PANDAS.

I can’t imagine feeling it, but it happened. And it was real and it was scary. But the scariest thing is that if I’d not stuck around, I would’ve missed the feeling of feeling something other than sadness. And I wouldn’t be here to share my story.

This being said, I’m doing something crazy - I am doing a charity skydive in December for Pandas Foundation (Pre And PostNatal Depression Advice and Support).

PANDAS, as mentioned above, helped me a lot during the dark period of time between NHS support and private support. PANDAS Foundations supports 739 service users on average each month through the helpline, email and closed Facebook group.

1 in 4 women, and 1 in 10 men, will experience a diagnosed perinatal mental illness. PANDAS Foundation needs incredible donations and fundraising to help keep their support services available to all parents, carers and their networks who need them.

If anyone would like to donate I would appreciate it so much. I never thought I would say this but I am so thankful to be alive and here to share my story with so many people.

You can also read more about me on the PANDAS case study below.

https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/case-studies/