Me today.

I feel tired. Not in a physical sense, more a straining mental fatigue that i fear will not change in the near future. And although i know it will improve and one day i may have control over my situation, i cant help but feel trapped.

The last year has been a year of discovery, and yet for every stone i have overturned i am faced with an avalanche of boulders to replace them. Why does my current situation catalyse more questions and more tasks almost every time i reach an answer?

Back to subject, this year has been huge for me as its the first year i am learning to adapt to a label. Wether or not a label seems like the P.C term or not this is how it feels to me.

I have ADHD.

Or should i say “i have always had” ADHD and coming to terms with this has been without a doubt the most emotional rollercoaster ride i will ever endure. There are many misconceptions of adhd especially in adults and it only takes a few moments on the internet to grasp the concept of dealing with it on a daily basis. And although it may not be life threatening i can assure you.... its life destroying when left untreated. “Like many mental health illnesses”

I would say that the first feelings to track through my mind when making this “not yet diagnosed” discovery was being let down. Disappointed. Robbed. Although you may think “well you haven’t lost anything” i simply have to trace back through my childhood to find hundreds , possibly thousands of events that may well have concluded very differently had i been diagnosed with my issues as a young child. Things such as my education, the amount of careers i have wanted to follow that never amount to anything. And the social issolation that has consumed me.

Had i received the support and understanding from my parents teachers and friends could i have been a better version of me that i see in the mirror now? Maybe. Who knows.

But I’m here now because fate chose it to be this way, and if i don’t try my absolute best to make sense of it now..... well it wont just be me that suffers. And i feel if i Don’t speak my mind and share my thoughts then all of my deepest regrets and misfortunes will fade into black without serving any purpose at all.

If i could help just one person get through issues such as mine then all of my errors in life would be worth the pain in the end.

In early spring 2017 i had hit boiling point. My overall daily mood was set to a default of “Aggressive, stressed and utterly self destructive” i cared very little about anyone around me nor did i care about anything i did.

I was late for work every day.

I had a job that i detested.

I was heavily overweight.

My relationship was on the rocks.

I had two young children to look after.

Every time my pay check landed i was left with a minus figure.

Debts were increasing by the month.

These are just a few of the issues i was facing.

This may leave you thinking “well people out there in the big bad world deal with far worse than your issues” and in answer i could not agree more. My problems however big or small were causing me a lot of pain because they were MY problems. The same as yours are for you. “Never compare yourself to others, you will always find a way to disappoint yourself”

But the pain i was feeling was not directly caused by these rapidly mounting problems i was facing. The pain was caused by realising i had absolutely no way of mustering the courage to deal with them. I felt like i was drowning.

When faced with a message from a well loved friend on my phone.... i could not bring myself to reply.

When faced with a letter from a debtor... i would not open it.

When my behaviour was questioned by my partner i would retaliate with a volley of aggressive insults.

When i would wake up 45 minutes late for work because i had changed all 3 of my alarms on my phone to 02.22 in my sleep.

The only way i could deal with these and all of the other daily tasks i faced.... was to ignore everything and pretend it wasn’t real. The only sanctuary i had was all inside my head.

Big mistake.

As time went on i had come to the realisation that i was behaving like a drug addict.... bouncing from wall to wall looking for my next fix. Those intoxicating and euphoric fixes being anything that could distract me from my life.... video games, smoking, eating junk food, sex, watching youtube videos until i fell asleep.

And trust me if i didn’t get at least some of these dopamine inducing rituals every night, well lets just say i wasn’t fun to be around......come to think of it..... i don’t think there would have been many times around this point where i would have been enjoyable company.

I was utterly depressed.

But now i have hit a point where enough is enough and i need to make changes to dealing with my mental health issue... i don’t want to suffer with it... i want to own it. I want to utilise its many benefits.

And that is why i am sharing a piece of my life with you here, i cannot do it on my single low income. The NHS doesn’t consider my illness worth investing into so i have been left high and dry with very little options other than going private, and with a small family to look after and no options for financial support i turn to you.

I can not continue my journey to treat my illness without a legitimate psychological diagnosis. I can not medicate my illness without a diagnosis. I cannot be the best version of me.... without a diagnosis.

All i can pledge in return for kindness is a promise that as soon as i am on my feet and stabilised, I will start my own battle with the uk’s taboo approach to mental health issues. I would love more than anything to be one of the last in my generation and the ones to follow that have to suffer silently for so long with a mental disorder due to lack of understanding, education and funding.

Thank-you for your time. I wish you all the best in life.

And if you are to donate to my cause, i thank you from the bottom of my heart.