On Thursday the 12th of December, I went alone to Wishaw General maternity seeking reassurance due to feeling reduced movement of my twenty week old little one. I had been very nervous during all of my pregnancy due to a previous early miscarriage when i was much younger. I had braced myself for every early milestone not to come and each time our little turtle had been thriving, so I was fully expecting by this stage to be told everything was fine & to go home and continue to be excited for my favourite time of year with my favourite little person growing inside me. This was not the case, i was told that my babys heart had stopped beating. I spent an hour alone with the midwife Louise coming in and out to check on me before my mum & husband arrived. My husband was devastated that he hadn’t been with me, having been there for every other appointment, but neither of us thought this could actually happen after getting so far. We were then given the news that no parent who is grieving could ever cope with, i would still need to go through a normal labour to deliver my baby & they wanted to start the process right now. I couldn‘t, the thought of it was monstrous. I wouldn’t let go of my baby, every element of my future had changed the minute I found out I was pregnant with our little turtle & now this was all being taken away from me. We went home & came back the next day for me to be given the first of the tablets to induce labour and allowed to go home again. I didnt eat or sleep for the next two days.

On the Sunday morning, now admitted since the Saturday night due to pain, i started the horrible process of being induced with my mum & husband by my side the full time. After just over five hours of labour our little one was born. This day is one of the happiest I remember in the last week and a half as although our baby would not come home with us, we were there together as a family in that moment. The Houston’s. The care we all received from the midwifes and doctor on this day, i cant even describe, particularly Catina & Pauline who delivered our perfect little baby. That night i was taken care of by Louise who had been there holding my hand on the day i found out & something that really meant so much to me was my own community midwife Val was there having taken on an extra shift. They treated my baby with so much care & dignity, dressing her in a tiny outfit we picked, taking hand & food prints, photographs and clay imprints for us to keep and making a memory box which has gotten us through the last week. We were then taken to Ohana, the newly built bereavement suite. This is the only night in the last ten that i have not been sedated to sleep. The suite is decorated like a retreat & our baby lay in a specially designed cold cot at the side of our bed for us to look at her throughout the night. In the morning we moved her to the kitchen area with us where we ate breakfast next to her as a family. In the afternoon we all moved to the living room area where Jessica was given a naming ceremony by the hospital chaplain Harry & throughout the day we were allowed as many cuddles and kisses as we wanted, no midwifes or doctors around unless we needed them, just us as a family. The day we left our baby and came home we were distraught and every day since then has been worse still, but to have had that one night means the world to us.

We bought the suite a fridge on behalf of Baby Houston the next day but its simply not enough. For anyone who will ever have to go through this, I’m so sorry. Stay strong as a couple as I could not have gotten to this point without the unwavering support of my husband and my mum. The pain of grieving the loss of my baby & trying to get over the trauma of the sudden loss of my pregnancy is like nothing I can describe and there is no getting away from the pain. Our baby’s funeral will take place on Christmas eve so that she will be at rest on Christmas day when all the other little boys and girls wait excitedly for santa. There is so much injustice in this situation but the moments that brought us peace and leave happy memories are in Ohana & it means so much to us and to the memory of our daughter to give something back to a resource that can bring the same peace to others.

Jennifer, Michael & Jessica xxx