As some of you might know my mum committed suicide 2 years this december. My mum was a drug addict and a mother to 6. Me and my mother have never really been relatively close. From the age of 2 I lived with my Father and I never really knew my mum, she never really bothered with me. Growing up without a mother was so hard and mentally torturing. It's a feeling where you feel incomplete and lost. I moved out of my Dads at 16 and started seeing my mum again and had a relationship I always craved. Losing someone you never really knew took it's toll on me. I remember when it was her funeral I just couldn't cry, I thought what's wrong with me. There was more bad than good with Mum, I've seen her doing drugs and all I could feel was a sense of darkness. Being young I never understood why she took drugs but since ageing I've learnt and feel empathetic towards her with a bit of sadness aswell. I have been in a very dark place myself and haven't been able to honour her. After losing my mum I had no one, I wasn't talking to my dad or any other family family and that fucked me up so bad. 10 days before Christmas I was feeling absolutely heartbroken and suicidal. However, because of this I've grown so much within myself and realised how strong I am. I don't need anyone by my side except myself. I would like to go to America to scatter her ashes and honour her memory. Due to her lifestyle she never went on holiday and neither have I so I thought it would be a great idea. I have fount this journey so god damn hard but I've come to my senses and really want to do this for her and myself, finding my self a little bit more on this journey whilst remebering the good side to her. The money will help pay to go to America and if there's enough I would love to buy a locket to put some of her ashes in so I can have her close by. If you know me personally you know how grateful I am. Not having any closure of her passing I truly think saying my own goodbye would mean a lot to her. Godbless