Story
My story

This is the very first time I have actually sat down to write about what has happened to me as a very young child.I do not have many happy memories from my childhood, this is because my childhood was tarnished from the age of 5/6. I am one of seven children within my family, out of the seven children I am the oldest girl. Now let me take you back approx 30 years to when my childhood and future was ruinedLike I said I was around the age of 5/6 when the sexual abuse started, now the statistics says that most victims of childhood abuse is abused by someone they know, this was true in my case. Now I am not ready to say who the perpetrator was but all I will say is its was a very close family member.I don't remember how it began, or why it was ME, but I do remember, being told. “its our little secret”, “your my special girl”, “no-one can know about this”. At the time I did not know it was wrong, I genuinely thought it was “normal” but as I got older I became to realised that actually it was not normal. Now I don't remember how or why I spoke out, but I do remember having to be taken to the doctors for a physically examination, this has stuck with me, I believe I was approx 7/8 when I had this physical examination, after that I was taken to a little room where I was questioned by social services about what happened, and why did I not speak up sooner, they wanted to know ever graphic details, where the abuse happened, where I was touch, what I was forced to do. I remember feeling very dirty, that it was my fault, that I was to blame, that I must of deserved it.After I told about the abuse, my parents was given the choice that they could either prosecute or stop all visitation, they decided the latter. Now at the time because I was only a young girl the authority took the choice out of my hands. I never got closure, I never got the chance to ask him why me, he pasted away approx two years after all visitation was stopped. He never went to prison so in my eyes he was never punished.For two years after the abuse happened, I found myself at the age of 10/11 a victim again yet again I knew my perpetrator this time I kept quiet this time the abuse went on till I was 15, again I was told all the same, “its our little secret” “don't tell people will be jealous” etc etc. I managed to break the cycle of abuse this time around as, as I was growing up I was in secondary school I soon learnt that actually what was happening was wrong. So when ever I was in the same room as the perp I left the room, I would not stay in the same room, I felt very uncomfortable, I would make excuses not to be in the same room.Soon I turned 16 and that's when I started to rebel, I had serious mistrust in men, boys, teenagers etc, but I still craved that attention all be it wrong attention, this was when I started sleeping around, I never held down a relationship this continued until the age of 21 when I became pregnant with my eldest girl,( my only girl) be it from a one night stand, when I became pregnant I knew this was my chance to change my live, I vowed to stop sleeping around, and I did. After my daughter was born in 2005 I got diagnosed with post-natal depression and was prescribed prosac ( an really strong anti depressant), I was on anti depressant until I fell pregnant, now the biggest mistake I made was that I came off my medications without seeking the help I required. So as my daughter grew up, I managed to bury my past as I was always told not to talk about it. So I went to college and gained level 1,2 and 3 qualifications in hairdressing, now I still had mistrust in men, felt uncomfortable around them, which made my studying hard because my tutors were male.In the year 2011 I thought my luck was beginning to change, I met who I thought was my knight in shining armour, we had only been together a few months when I became pregnant with my son, everything was Rosie, ticking along nicely, now people warned me about about him but I never believed them, I fell head over heals in love with him, then when my son was 6 months old I was moved away from my family, friends, my daughter was up routed from her school, this I thought was for the best, and at first it was, then things started to change and not for the better, I had became isolated from friends and family, I was not allowed to go out for coffee/drinks, I was not able to get a job and put my son in nursery, he had all the control of the money, I had no money, I was expected to stay in do the housework, cook, clean. Out off what little money I did have I had to pay the council tax, water, television licence, the phone bills etc. I was not allowed to go out at night, if I did he accused me of cheating, I could not wear skimpy clothes as again I was accused of cheating, I was not allowed to talk to other men. My ex had all the power and control over me.4 years ago we split up and to say I was heartbroken was an understatement, I went back through severe depression again ( my depression never actually went away, I just learnt how to deal with it), so much so I actually said even though I never meant it, that my children would be better of without me. My friends who I had made from taking my daughter to school got me to the doctors and back on the medication, and with their support I managed to pull myself together or so I thought. I managed to go back to college part time, I had got myself a part time job which I loved, I had managed to gain control of my life and took some power back, the ex had moved out he stopped seeing the children and did not see them for at least 6 months after we split, through out the breakup I received many nasty messages from him, from him calling me a bad mother, to him saying he was going to take my son, that I was mental, that I was not fit to be a mother. All was well and I hid my depression well then 2 years ago came another major dip in my life the depression had flared up to an extreme,so much so I could not see what was happening under my eyes, I was putting on a mask and going to work, coming home locking the doors, I never let anyone in kept my curtains closed, I was suffering with extreme anxiety as well as the depression, the reason for this, I had let my home conditions slip and when I mean slip, it was at a point where it was deemed unsafe for me and my children to live there. Consequentially social services got involved and my children was put on to the child protection register, I had to resign from my job as a dinner supervisor/play leader at school which I loved, this was to protect the school more than anything. Since then I made mistakes where I mentally felt better, so come of the medications, which then courses me to have a dip at home.January this year was the last major dip, I have followed everything the been asked for me, I am continuing to take my medications, I put myself on a waiting list for CBT. But due to having a dip social services decided to start pre proceeding to try and remove my children, anyway they do not have no grounds to take them, but have paid the court fees for my ex to take me to court to try and take my children. This is still on going and the ex is still trying to play mind games, trying to control me, he tries to tell me what to do.September was my turning point, I have starting the CBT after 7 months on the waiting list, I attended Empower you in Telford. I learnt more about the Younique foundation and was encourage to apply by my friend and sponsor. So after thought and a lot of thought, I applied and this week I had an email accepting me on the haven retreat in UTAH. Younique has been a big help in helping me empower myself. I am not there yet still got a long way to go.I am telling my story because I don't want anyone to go through what I have, because of sexual abuse as a child it has certainly had a big impact on my life, and as I watch my daughter grow older I will do everything in my power to protect her and my son from going through what I did.I have 30 years off damaged but I am now ready to face it and put it away and I want to help empower other, to protect them going through what I have.Don't be afraid to speak up, don't be afraid to get the help you need. And don't bottle it up, as it will eat you alive x#nomore1in4 #iwasiamiwill #imasurvivor