***All going ahead Saturday the 20th March. Follow @lmrk89 on IG for stunningly repetitive live updates***

**If you've already read the below, apologies. My sister Lucy said this didn't seem hard enough, so I've been forced to upgrade it to a (Mariana) 'Trenching'. This sees an increase in ascent from Mount Everest 8,848m to 10,994m, the Mariana Trench. She's just had a baby so I suppose she's our lady on the ground for relative pain, but, still, thanks Luce.**

It’s that time of year again when the memory of previous agony has eroded sufficiently for me to start gearing up for a repeat. But this time, I’m doing it smarter, harder and therefore maybe less smart-er.

(If you have better things to do than read this blithering, then the button to the right will let you donate that cumbersome and filthy lucre that’s been plaguing your bank account and be done with it.)

It’s strange that when you only spend 20 minutes cooking-up an epic athletic endeavour, there are elements of the enterprise that don’t quite embody the height of human intelligence. I essentially cycled an additional 150km last time for no reason whatsoever. One shan’t be doing that again.

The plan is, having selected a hill with a much more imposing gradient and a total absence of useless pancake midway between slopes, my distance will dip under 200km, and I can aim to get the thing done in around 10 hours (moving time). This part was true until my sister stepped in and poured cold water all over my dreams: "No one cares if you do the same thing again Laurence." So there is this other cottage challenge which became popular-ish during lockdown: popular in the sense that unicorn farms are growing in popularity or weeing on jellyfish stings is *popular*. It's called (Mariana) Trenching and entails descending the depth of the deepest point on earth: 10,994m. you'll notice both that this number is significantly larger than Everest, and that if you descent x amount on a bike, likelihood is, you'll have to ascend too. Ay, there's the rub.

Holly Lodge runs parallel to Swain’s Lane and is a 2-way street, meaning no annoying circumnavigation of nearby hills to reapproach the ascent.

Exzippit A) Notice that each ascent gives you 56m of elevation gain. To the mathematicians out there, you will have calculated that I need to climb this hill 196 times in order to equal 10,994 metres – and, of course – the ‘fun’ bit – descend it too. That comes to a 235.59km ride.... So, LUCY, this ride will technically still be 100km odd shorter than the previous, but hopefully the additional 2000m of climbing satisfies you thirst for my blood.

In other amendments to the world’s thickest Everest, having singlehandedly solved homelessness by raising money for Mungos last year, refugee charities are the new beneficiary of my toil. I came across this specific charity through Thighs of Steel, an absolutely decent cycling expedition charity that combines all the good things in the world with panache. Go and check them out and admire how smart they are.

The plan is to attempt this Trenching on either the 20th or the 21st of March 2021, weather guiding. This will, of course, be confirmed a day or so prior with military precision and execution via the dreaded Whatsapp group mentioned below.

Sun rises at 06:01 and sets at 18:14 on this weekend. I’ll look to get a few hours logged in the dark, and then pray for a steady avalanche of well-wishers as the day progresses.

Last time comms were a bit haphazard, so I think what the world needs now is one more amorphous Whatsapp group made up of bemused humans all connected to me by some tenuous thread.

My number is 07882064924, or email l.m.r.kilpatrick@gmail.com – so let me know if you want access to the live Periscope of me doing boring stuff over and over and over and over…….. In all likelihood it will be Colin or Freems posting the occasional video of me looking sad and pink with bits of rice cake stuck to my 6’o clock shadow while doing my impression of a malevolent mute.

It goes without saying that I WOULD LOVE YOUR HANDSOME FACES TO COME AND HELP/SUPPORT ME. On foot or – if you’re a total reggae ambassador – on two wheels, please come and do a couple of reps with me, give me a wine gum, and tell me I’m a very very good boy. I’ll be forever grateful – (until next year, at which point all gratitude expires and I start hassling you for money again like nothing has come before 🙃 .)

Finally, thanks again to everyone who supported last time. I thought I’d feel bad about begging again but I’m actually totally fine with it. Please donate what you can – and if you’re from Harpenden, that means at least 100 pounds. Huge thanks in advance – you da best.

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About the charities:

For the past 5 years Thighs of Steel have run cycle adventures that fundraise for Choose Love. They have cycled from London to Athens 4 times, and last year, during lockdown, cycled 2.5 times around the world. All money they raise goes to Choose Love.

Choose Love does whatever it takes to provide refugees and displaced people with everything from lifesaving search and rescue boats to food and legal advice.They work fast, flexibly and creatively to provide what is needed today, not tomorrow.

Choose Love are a lean, passionate team driving a fast-paced global movement across 15 countries. In just five years, they have reached one million refugees and raised tens of millions for nearly 150 organisations providing vital support at every stage along migration routes from Europe to the Middle East and along the US-Mexico border.

Let's help them reach their vision - a world that chooses love and justice every day, for everyone.