Today is Thursday the 14th of September, and I can honestly say I am happy to be alive, less than a month ago I had planned to kill myself, on the 19th of August .I had been struggling with addiction for a number of years and in February of 2017 I was admitted into rehab, I spent 5 weeks there going through an incredibly long and painful detox, at some point in my 5th week I took it upon myself to leave and came back to Edinburgh to start using again, 2 months later I was readmitted to the rehab and spent 3 more weeks there before leaving again and returned to Edinburgh to start using again, this was soul destroying and led me to believe I would never beat my addiction, my state of mind was so low that I could not see any future, I was mentally and spiritually bankrupt, my life was in tatters and I was just existing, there was no joy and certainly no hope in my life, my sons due to no fault of their own were not in my life ,I could not bear to see those 2 beautiful boys while I was so ill and so desperately unhappy, this was without doubt the most painful time of my life and I could not bear waking up having to face another day living the way I was. Without any emotion I decided I was going to kill myself, this was not going to be a cry for help and I was pretty sure that I was going to follow it through, I planned on doing this on the Saturday of the week my miracle happened, a friend Fiona phoned me and realising I was suicidal told me to get on a bus and come to her this was on the Tuesday. Fiona introduced me to a friend of hers called Anne Clarke, almost as soon as i met Anne she ran my bars and any thoughts of suicide left me immediately, I have not thought about killing myself since then ,completely the opposite I have been studying Access, reading books, watching video's I have become a bars practitioner and am learning a new language. I have been in contact with people all over the world, all that emptiness has been replaced with joy, I am now hopeful, the change in me is such a blessing, I am so grateful for this gift of choice, its hard to put into words exactly how I do feel but I do see a life full of opportunities something I did not believe possible a month ago. I don't know if enough money will be raised in time to go to the class, but I am prepared to give it a go, I am excited about life for the first time in years, and genuinely want to see what else is possible, I am introducing the tools of Access into my life daily and importantly they are working ,it would be a blessing to manage to get to this class I know in time I will be able to contribute enough to others to make it worthwhile which is when I had doubts about going it I asked myself the question "who does this belong to" truth...not me!!