Throughout October I will be completing the Virtual Manchester Marathon, running a cumulative marathon distance of 26.2 miles over a series of runs to raise money for ‘Letter of Light Project’; aiming for the final run to be 10k or more, the longest distance I have ran in over a year!

My story

When Hallie was 3 months old, I was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND).

The diagnosis wasn’t a total surprise. The PND had crept up slowly but I believe the catalyst was an unexpected hospital visit when Hallie was just 3 days old. We took her to get checked after noticing she was jittery. Hallie’s blood sugar levels had dropped and she was found to have lost significantly more weight than expected at this stage. As a first-time mum, navigating breastfeeding and having the pressure of being my child’s sole source of food, I felt as though I had failed my first test as a parent- my first taste of mum guilt. From that day onwards my anxiety went through the roof. Every sound she made/ mark/ action sent me into utter panic, I became obsessed with Hallie’s feeding, every trip outside the house filled me with fear, I had awful intrusive thoughts and even the smallest spot on her skin would result in my mind being filled with vivid images of her dying. It was exhausting, my mind never stopped. If the GP has a ‘favourites’ on their call list, then I reckon I was number 1.

I thought I may be entering into depression territory when I started to notice that in addition to the anxiety, I was having increasingly more ‘low days’. The only way I can try to describe how these days felt is as a heavy weight that made the simplest of tasks difficult to achieve, and I lost the motivation and energy to do anything. Luckily, we have an incredible health visitor who picked up on these signs of anxiety and depression very early on and referred me for support.

I’m three months into my journey with the PND diagnosis and I feel in a better place. My journey is still very much ongoing and I have bad days, but with unwavering support both professionally and from friends and family, things feel a little lighter. I also recognise how fortunate I am that my PND has not impacted my relationship with Hallie, being her mum is the best thing that has ever happened to me and even on my darkest days I still found the energy to be silly with her. It was like I had two sides to me, Hallie made me happy, she is quite literally my little ray of sunshine.

Pregnancy and parenthood are wonderful experiences, however they are often portrayed in society through rose-tinted glasses. When you’re pregnant-you’re glowing. When your beautiful bundle of joy arrives-you’re sleep deprived but happy. The challenging and difficult aspects of becoming a new parent, despite being common, are rarely discussed. My wonderful auntie bought me the brilliant book ‘Bonkers’ by Olivia Siegl, it is an honest and raw portrayal of motherhood, warts & all. It celebrates the good, but validates the difficult stuff. Reading Olivia’s experience made me feel less alone. With 1 in 10 people suffering with PND*, Olivia empowers us mums (and dads) who have suffered with mental health issues to talk openly about our experiences, with the aim of challenging the stigma and help others feel more informed. This is why I’m sharing my experience, even though doing so is absolutely terrifying.

From reading Olivia’s book, I found her ‘Letters of Light‘ project (more info below). It is a wonderful initiative where mums who have lived experience of maternal mental health write to other mums who are currently suffering. A simple but powerful way of mums supporting one another. I absolutely love this idea and the power it has to make new parents feel less alone, especially during this time where new parents may not be able to see family and friends or access the professional support they desperately need as easily.

So far, the project has been completely self-funded by Olivia, and she has received a phenomenal response to the project and request for letters. To support this incredible cause I have decided to complete the Virtual Manchester Marathon distance (over a series of runs) to raise money for the project. Exercise has been a huge part of my life for the past 10 years and has such a positive impact on how I feel, but due to the PND I’ve been struggling to get back out there, so I’ll be using this as my motivation to dust off and lace up my running shoes.

Any donations will be gratefully received and will help support the project by contributing towards the following:

⁃ Postage and packing of all batches of letters to organisations across the UK supporting mums with their maternal mental health

⁃ Printing and production of supplementary support material to be sent out with letters

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means so much and I am really grateful for any donations. Also, if anyone who reads this is currently struggling, I am always here for a chat.

Nic

xxx

Quote from Olivia

“I was blown away when I heard Nicola wanted to raise funds for the project! It really means so much knowing that a fellow mum is raising funds to help other mums! The money raised will help us grow the project and be able to continue to reach more mums in need of receiving support with their maternal mental health and to reassure these mums that there is life after a maternal mental health illness”

About Letters of Light Project

A global project sending handwritten letters of support from mums with lived experience of maternal mental health to mums currently suffering with theirs.

The Letters of Light Project provides an authentic and non-intrusive peer support service that has captured the support of mums and leading healthcare organisations.

We are proud to be delivering the Letters of Light service to NHS Trusts, Mother & Baby Units and Maternal Mental Health organisations throughout the UK. And are working with global ambassadors to deliver this peer support service in their respective countries, supporting mums and their maternal mental health around the world.

https://lettersoflightproject.com