Hi . not sure were to start on this but a lot of it is so very personel and hard to talk about , well ok my problem is as follows. I had a very rough childhood full of abuse. in many ways, I survived it.

I married the first person that come along to get out and he turn out to be very controlling and a drunk who would go from happy to use his fists, so had to run away with two little girls.

I found out my daughter was abused too and took to the social services and then police. my Dad who was the perpetrator was not prosecuted so we never got justice and I lost everything, absolutely my whole world except the children. I carried on just me and my girls for a while struggling to survive and hide form the families i was credited and needed to protect my children , then as luck got it i ended up eventually marrying my dream man, in the army and moved away for a new life.

During that time I got cancer and fought through that, the army welfare was great, but as soon as I got the all clear he was sent to Afghan. Many sad things happened I don't have to mention , but when we were posed back to th Uk from germany i got a job as a cleaner on camp and i was sent to a restricted area. No one knew, but I walked in on a exercise that was a load of solders blown up to bits. Now this was real actors real amputees. I thought it was all real.

Since then I stopped talking, I have no voice, it went completely 5 years ago. Its called functional dysphonia. the stress was too much as i already had been though an awful lot in my .life its changed me I also suffer in many other ways through conversion disorder, i have had a lot of trouble in walking , yet I'm beeting that, my legs do still give up on.My left side can get very weak, and i get in a lot of awful pain all over me. . I have stabbing pains that can happen at anytime like a knitting needle going rite in i also have spasms in my stomach and in my neck that can last days .Tremors and much more. I have been going around in circles for years, conversion disorder is a disorder a lot of doctors don't understand ad its not physical but a mental condition that causes physical conditions, well any way cut a long story short. I waited two years after being let down by MIND who said they can't help me , I'm too ill, talking space needed a phone interview, stupid as i can't talk., Referred to speech therapy who also could not help untill i had completed complex therapy.. then i was referred to complex therapy. , i waited 2 years , did 7 weeks , then they tell me i was not ready and unsuitable to continue due to not being able to talk. the mental assessment prior to that did more harm than good , it nw been about a year since i had the mental assent and its pend u a lot of old wounds and now I'm worse than ever , night mares are really awful that seem to effect me so much in my day to day life, I feel like i been taken apart and not rebult, No one will help me i suffer in many diferent ways , mentaly, Then we get posted on and start the ball rolling again, told the same thing, i need to talk ,for the help i need as its all group therapy. Im in need of one to one psychologist therapy is really the only answer and thats not viable on the NHS. No way can we afford this as the therapy would be once or twice a week for the next 2 to 3 years. thats an awful lot of money we just haven't got. I'm unable to work due to all this and my social anxiety keeps me in the house as i try to avoid people this is manly due to me not being able to talk, please help me . I'm 51 years old tomorrow and i have suffered all my life , i need to get though this and enjoy the rest of my years , please help me.