I’ve known since 2012 that i cannot conceive naturally. It was an emotional time to say the least but im very lucky i found my husband james to stand by me and willing to take this journey with me. In 2016 we decided we were ready to look into getting help to start a family. We were so excited... we got referred to Leicester and the fertility team needed my weight up, stop smoking etc. We did everything they asked of us, excitement was bubbling, thinking this was it! Our journey to parenthood was finally happening! We was told at this appointment that unfortunately we wouldn‘t be NHS funded because my egg count was too low, to the point he said they wouldn’t be able to harvest any from me! my FSH level was reading 15 and the cut off was 14.9 (FSH is the higher the number the lower your egg count is) the doctor said there was another blood test (AMH) that we could have done at a cost but it wouldn’t make a difference to the decision! He then bluntly told us that he couldn’t help us, handed me a number for a councelor and my discharge letter and sent us home! I was distraught! It felt like the worst day of my life!

3 years later, a life long friend of James’ Emily, met up with us and explained that she was now a nurse in the women’s health department at Peterborough hospital and she had told our story to Wendy the ferility specialist and told us that Wendy was eager to meet us and try and help. I really didn’t want to put myself through the hurt and disappointment again but James was keen to find out what Wendy could do for us. I made the appointment with my GP to get referred, this wasn’t just about my feelings and what i wanted, I had o do this for my husband!

Wendy was, is an incredible lady! She started from scratch with everything! And completely understood I wasn’t holding any hope.... but she did it!!! My FSH level was 9! (How it can come down is a mystery!) that figure was too high for funding but the other blood test (AMH) which Leicester also offered and said wouldn‘t help, Wendy did it and NHS DO take it in to account! Theyre cut off is 5.2 and we was In by the skin of our teeth at 5.24! We was over the moon when she called to say that we‘d been approved funding!!

So last October 2019we had our consultation at Nurture Fertility in Nottingham, they were amazing. Explained everything to us clearly and offered us constant support. We started the treatment in the November 2019, first we had scans, blood tests and urine samples. Next was the down regulation injections and routine scans. Christmas day we started the hypo stimulent injection, so i was having 2 shots a night And then 36 hours before egg collection i had to inject the boost drug. 9th Janurary we went to the clinic for the surgery to collect the eggs.. they retrieved 6 eggs from me but only 5 were mature... the embryologists did their work and 5 days later we were on our way back to the clinic to have one embryo transferred... (NHS only fund to have one high graded embryo transferred but fund for the rest to be frozen...) On our way, the clinic called and said only 3 of the 5 fertilised but only 2 out of those 3 survived the blastocyst and that they were only graded a C and a D. she then gave us the decision of having both or just the 1 transferred and because of the low grades they wouldn’t be able to freeze the remaining one so it was be disposed of! I cried all the way to the clinic but was adamant we wasnt throwing any away and we would sooner have 2 babies than risk having none! I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d get this far, so as they say “in for a penny”. The transfer went really smoothly. We got to take photographs of the embryos and record the sonogram screen of them entering my womb. What a magical, surreal, overwhelming moment that was. I couldn’t take it in or actually believe there were potentially our babies inside me!!!

The next 13 days were awful! The waiting to take the test, my emotions and hormones were everywhere! Poor james! He needed a medal. 4:45 am on 27th January 2020, our dreams came true!!! James read out the test! We were pregnant!! We cried, we laughed. we genuinely couldn’t believe it! All the symptoms i was having wasn’t in my head, they were real! We were having a baby!!! Maybe 2!!! I rang the clinic with the results and they booked us in for our scan on 7th February. The day came for us see how many we were having and that everything was as it should be...... we had the scan and there was 1 gestation sac, with a yolk sac but we were not far enough a long to see a heartbeat. we had to rebook for 2 weeks time. (21st Feb)

In those 2 weeks the pregnancy hormones and symptoms were well on their way.. Tiredness, tender boobs, nausea and tears! The night before the scan I felt more nervous than i had before for the previous scan and didn’t sleep too well... off we went to the clinic and saw the same lady. We started the scan and she turned the screen to us and said the baby was formed but was very tucked up so she was struggling to see a heartbeat... it was gut wrenching to hear those words!! She finished looking around at ovaries etc then said she wanted to get someone else to have a look with her. By this point we were heartbroken! James was trying to be strong for both of us but i could see the devastation on his face. Both ladies came back and performed the scan again and both still said there was no heartbeat detected! They both apologised and told us to join lynda in the next room when we was ready. She explained that she was referring us back to Peterborough where they would do another scan to confirm their findings and make plans from there, but to keep taking my Pessary medication as usual until further notice from Peterborough. We drove home in silence and tear filled face. Peterborough rang that afternoon and made us an appointment for the following Tuesday (25th Feb) The scan confirmed Nurtures findings, our baby had died! Our hopes and dreams shattered like the drop of a glass! We saw a nurse and she gave us 3 options of what we wanted to do next,,, we opted for the surgery The next week, but unfortunately things didn’t go to plan. We passed our baby at home on Thursday night...... James has said he doesnt know how to feel or grieve...... But for myself, I have no words on how intense these feelings of loss, guilt, grief and blame i have building up inside me!

But im determined to pick myself up for, not only me but for my husband and raise money for us to try again! The yearning feeling we’ve got to be parents is so strong and we deserve a second chance! But we can’t do it without the help and generosity of you lovely people xxx