For the last 12 years or so I have suffered from anxiety and depression. Being a man I kept this hidden from the world and chose to ignore it with the hope that it would go away. Being a miserable bastard became the norm. Due to the stigma surrounding male mental health I had no idea there was anything wrong. For years people had told me to go to the doctors and seek help but I always shrugged it off as "there' nothing wrong" or "I'm just tired". For those who don' know anything about mental health these things don' just go away. I shyed away from everything. I became meek and withdrawn. I had to please and impress everyone. My anxiety would make me worry about absolutely anything and everything. The tiniest thing that would even be considered by anyone else. I couldn't say no to anyone and would bend over backwards to make people like me. I took on so much that my condition got worse and worse. I had no idea what was going on. Then on October 2017 my life spiralled out of control. I have a fiance and two children, a house , a dog, a job I should enjoy and rather then see all these things as blessing they became burdens. I had to be in control of everything. I took responsibility for it all. And I got so low that I decided that I couldn't cope with life anymore. I broke down. I left my house with a selection of items and no intent to return. I took myself to a quarry at half 4 on a Sunday afternoon to get as far away from anyone and everything and free myself. I sat there staring in to the abyss for over an hour and the only thought in my mind was how much I love my children and couldn' bear to be apart from them. My babies saved my life. I decided I was going home and needed to speak to someone. I got home and as per usual there's a police car parked down my road. I've got no phone and no keys so I ring the door bell. A police officer opens the door. And that's where my world collapses. Long story short, I then spend the next 15 weeks in prison because they can' think of what to do with me. I've not so much as had a speeding ticket in my boring 32 years. It's a shock. Doesn't help in the slightest. I have now been out of prison for 4 months, am now on anti depressants, have gone back to work and am stuck in the processes of seeing someone to figure out what's not quite ticking properly upstairs. Nothing works. I hate myself. I hate my perfect idyllic life.  With massive love and support from my missus and kids I'm coping. I've worked since the age of 14 and have now had to stop work as I can't leave the house. Im 32 years old and the thought of going out of my front door gives me panic attacks. I've sought help through the NHS but due to lack of finding and lack of staff etc i seem to go from list to list. Thankyou for reading my issues. I feel a bit better for writing it down.