All donations will go directly to Samaritans, please donate, it doesn't matter how much because every penny counts. Samaritans is very personal to me, I have lost family and friends through them taking their own life, no one should ever feel that alone and here is my story:

When I was 13 (I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 12) I started to self harm, I didn't understand why I felt the way I did and the pain made me feel real, it wasn't a suicide attempt, just a coping method. I wanted to kill myself and thought of so many scenarios of how to do it, hormones messing my head up right?.

At 15 I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, although I still didn't understand my feelings, it sort of explained why I was so messed up. There were times I would sit in my room and cry because I wanted to kill myself and I didn't know how, whenever I got too stressed I would have a seizure and so many times I didn't want to wake up from them. I was eventually put on antidepressants and I felt these helped, maybe it was the placebo affect, I don't know but it didn't last long before I was spiraling downhill again. 2011 was the first time I attempted suicide, I didn't plan it, before I knew it I had taken a full bottle of mefanamic acid (painkillers). I hallucinated, screamed and I don't remember much else other than a paramedic restraining me and being in hospital. I recovered and carried on with what has never felt like normal life to me.

In 2013 was my next unplanned attempt I took ridiculous amounts of cocaine, speed and alcohol all in the same night, not caring whether I ended up dead. It didn't work and I felt horrific and embarrased of the state I got in. After that things picked up and the end of 2013 I fell pregnant. Being 18, epileptic and totally messed in the head I needed alot of support during pregnancy to keep me and my baby safe.
 I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, explains a bit more why I felt the way I did. I was induced 2 weeks early due to mental health reasons, I couldn't cope being on my own all day every day with my own thoughts.

My beautiful baby Oscar-william was born in July 2014, he was healthy and perfect. Every mum gets the baby blues and cries for no reason but 11 days after having him I was sectioned. I was hearing a voice in my head, It wouldn't let me bond with Oscar and it told me to kill myself.  I had post-partum psychosis. I spent 3 and  months sectioned in hospital, this voice made me do anything and everything to harm myself, I snapped a hairgrip and used it to cut myself until I bled enough to push the voice away. The support I revieved was amazing.

Although I needed medication to control the voice it was having someone to speak to at any time of the day which helped. It took me a while to reach out but once I realised someone was there I was able to calm down. I was distracted and it didn't matter what the hour, they were there to speak to me. I wish during my younger teenage years I had reached out and realised that people do care and Want to help, that I wasn't a burden on everyone. Its a long road for me, I have panic attacks and still get down days but I'm on the road to recovery and have a strong bond with my son. I get weekly visits off a cpn and a mental health volunteers

This is why Samaritans is my chosen charity, it is someone to speak to, someone who won't judge you and most importantly someone to help you. Time is the most valuable thing someone can give and they are volunteering to help people who really need that someone to speak to in times of need 
Thankyou for reading my story, every donation counts x