June 14th 2010, marks the 4th anniversary of when we made the horrendous decision to say goodbye to our much wanted and much loved baby girl Elsa.It was discovered that Elsa had a large cystic hygroma that stretched form her neck to rump, most likely indicative of a malformed lymphatic system though is was difficult to determine what the background cause was. All we knew was that if Elsa survived the pregnancy, she would have spent her short lie in specialist baby units, in pain without much hope of ever making it home to her own nursery.
No parent should ever be put in a position to make such a heart wrenching decision as whatever decision you make, you never fell at peace. Despite my faith in medicine and science , I still can't forgive myself for letting her go. We would never have surfaced from the drowning grief without the help and support of ARC. They provided us with a sense of reason when we were faced with such an unbearable decision. I found comfort from the email support group, which I now try to use to provide support to newly bereaved mummies, the helpline as well as the parent meetings.We have made lifelong friendships through ARC which is truly a gift when you can bring something lovely out of despair. We are better people because of this experience and are amazed at how much Elsa's tiny life has given us.
Finally, because of ARC's highly skilled training days for screening coordinator and sonographers, our experience with Kingston Hospital was caring and supportive as the screening coordinator was wonderful when were first heard the devastating news of Elsa's condition. I know the staff at Kingston attend ARC training days covering topics such as'Breaking Bad News to Parents'and we certainly reaped the benefits of highly trained coordinators.
I could never raise enough money for ARC to express how truly grateful I am for the support and comfort as I still have days when I feel sad and need to chat to them. I could go on, but I wont' as you need strength to donate. Any amount small or large will be much appreciated.
with love
Courtney :)
p.s next year it is Phil's turn to perform anotehr charity recital so I dont' have to run!Longing and Resolution
Confllict and Resolution by Courtney Cornfield Dec.2007
I am sending three white roses down the Thames; one for each baby
One child, one baby and one who flutters above
The roses float gently into the clutches of that sombre cloud
Sending you to the tide, hoping the cycle of life will wash upon me
once again
The afternoon is misty, cool and foggy; a beautiful muddle
Which is how I often feel since you went
In a strange sense, the permeating fog comforts me, an elemental
reminder
It reminds me, makes me aware of how beauty can die from nature the
very nature that created it.
The fog is erroneous but I feel you are wrapped up in it somehow
It is December; it was to be your birthday but we mourn instead
Instead of candles for cake, cards of jubilation, the candles are
ceremonious, the cards of sadness and loss
The fog from the Thames is surreal; your existence feels surreal some
days too.
Other days, I feel happy to reflect and others I weep endless tears
How can I not weep, you were born asleep, died before you were born
Part of me died inside the day you were born,
We have had a baby since; he is perfect, content, a blessing.
When I look in his eyes I wonder if it is pieces of you looking back.
Is your life reflected I his smile? The two of you could never both
be.
I can love through loosing you, without you he would not be and I
thank you for this.
That is why I sent three roses down the Thames; my child, you, my
baby
All of you float together, dance in my heart, and live in my soul.
You sent three rose down the Thames today; for your child, for me,
for the baby
I saw them float gently into the mist; it made me feel happy I am not
forgotten.
You know me through death, yet I am celebrated with the living
So beautifully heart wrenching, to see love but not feel; but I also
feel no pain
I am with you, in the fog, through the mist; the entangled
condensation
No matter how much you grieve, I cannot come back; it is here I must
stay
I am free, and wish you no sorrow; I wish no heaviness in your being
I am with you more than you know and always will be
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