I was 20 years old when my beloved Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My first feelings were of total disbelief - I was scared, hurt, angry, kept asking myself ‘why my Mum?’ … then experiencing the horrible feeling of guilt for feeling that way.

Four long years later, my Mum passed away. She was only 55 years old. Please excuse me for not going into detail about those four years – the pain and the suffering that I witnessed and was part of, is something that I do not wish to experience ever again. The grief of my Mum’s passing was indescribable, even though I had wonderful and supportive family and friends surrounding me – I had never felt so alone in my life. My Mum was not only my Mum, she was my best friend and my ‘rock’.

For a long time afterwards, I knew that I wasn't 'me' at all. I was in such a dark place. Eventually I decided only I could help myself to get out of it. It wasn't that simple though, to get myself out of that dark place that I was in. Let me tell you, it was a long process and I am not ashamed to admit it.

My Mum wouldn’t have wanted me to feel how I was feeling inside so like many other people who have or who are going through the same grief, I had to pull myself together, put on a brave face and just had to get on with life. To this day, I still ‘put on a brave face’ - it sounds easy doesn’t it, but believe me, it’s not easy at all ... it's hard and I still have moments when the sadness overwhelms me. I feel that some people do not really understand. How could they, unless they have been through this themselves?  

My Mum would have wanted me to be happy and to live my life to the full so I am trying to do my best to do just that. I can only but try! She taught me that life is just too precious - and too short. She showed me that you should live for today - not in the past - do not look behind with regrets, look what you have in front of you before it is too late.

As the years have gone by I have learnt that time is indeed a great healer. You never forget, however when I think of my Mum she always brings a smile to my face and I get a warm feeling inside.

I try to remember the good times and not the bad. 

So, I have decided to do this challenge in memory of her.

I just wish my Mum was here - I would have loved to have made her so proud!

 

In Loving Memory of Joyce (Joy) Jose

1942 ~ 1997

 

“All that lives, lives forever. Only the shell, the perishable passes away. The spirit is without end ... Eternal ... Deathless ..."

♥♥♥ love you Mum xxx ♥♥♥

 

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