"I Love you" my mother expressed! We love you said my younger brother and sister. Clenching his fists; fighting within himself to hold back his unspoken tears, my father, the strongest person I know, tries to yell, but he can't. His voice deep and breaking, "I love you so much! I will be seeing you in a few hours."

Now I am laying on the hospital bed, sitting upright, Cannulas and red hospital bands on both of my wrists, feeling like a prisoner, time ticking away...I take a deep breath inhaling a very strong scent of chemicals, l stare at the perfectly newly painted walls in the corridor, thinking to myself that I will never be perfect again, cut open, and with scars for life...I say a silent prayer and remind myself it is time...

I turn my body around as much as I can, I filter through the crowd behind me, my gaze falls upon my best friend, the unspoken words left to the imagination but the gaze so strong I said, "look after them for me, make sure they are ok" her reassuring smile provides comfort that she understood me and amongst the mist of everything I heard her say, ‘don't worry I am here’.

I then look at my family, my body beginning to shiver although I have a pale blue hospital blanket, rough on my bare arms it does not provide me comfort. The pain in their eyes is indescribable. I take in my mother's wrinkles that now surround her eyes, my sister's cheeky smile that she has whenever she wants to borrow my clothes or makeup, my brother's clenched jaw and I know he's worried but is keeping his cool...and finally my father...I force myself to look into he's eyes, anger, pain, guilt, because he believes it's suppose to be the father saving his daughter, not the other way around...

My instant thought now is that I could potentially be looking at them all for the very last time. I'm running out of time as the nurses push my hospital bed, edging closer and closer to the operating room, and although I know they know, an overwhelming need and desire to express it overrides me. I hold my breath, gathering all the courage I have inside me, as if I am preparing for war. It takes so much strength to get the words out, I cannot let them know how petrified I am, so instead with an anxious heart, holding back my tears, I shout "I love you all so much!", before the door quickly closes and I am cut off from them and their voices...maybe forever.

I open my eyes, everything is a blur, all I see is shadows, outlines of people, falling in and out of consciousness, a momentary panic! So many thoughts running through my head. Have they taken my kidney away? Was it all a bad dream? My words slur whilst the doctors and nurses respond to me, but I cannot understand them nor can they understand me. Unable to move any part of my body, feeling paralysed. My eyelids are heavy and I strain to keep them open, they fight to close but with what little strength I retain, I force them to remain open. The eyelids soon win this battle though, and once again I fall back into a peaceful sleep.

The 3rd of October 2016 marks an important milestone in my life, it is the day I donated my RIGHT kidney to my father (it wasn't a dream after all) the most terrifying yet the most important day in my life. My father was ill for many many years, becoming a living kidney donor to my father was the biggest goal I have set myself in life. After many years of struggle, medical tests and the ultimate challenge to persuade my father and my family I can do this, I finally did it. Today my Father is alive! He will walk me down the aisle and see me marry the man of my dreams and he will witness the day I become a mother, he will be summoned to eat my terrible cooking and see me grow from strength to strength.

P.S - I would have never been able to do this without all the amazing people I have in my life! Acres and Acres of Love to You all! Xxx

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