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Why am I running in the London 2010 Marathon and raising money for FSIDs

2010 Sarah would have been 18 sharing it with Joanne, also, I am 50 on . On the first London Marathon a BBC commentator said 'for the first time the saying ‘the taking part is more important than the winning’ has never been more valid'. It is another lifetime ambition for me. What better reason for training , and completing the London Marathon, than to do if for the charity that gave me my life back to do these things. And every penny donated goes to help more babies survive and comforts those who like Anne and myself, really, really need help.  ( I will pay for the Just Giving fees as part of my contribution)

My story 

was an exciting day, It was Anne's first scan.  Anne being pregnant put me into the excited dog with two tails state, and I could not wait to see our child. Or could I?. What if there was something wrong ? What if we were offered a termination?.  My friend a Catholic Priest was primed to expect a phone call that night, just in case I needed someone to talk to. 

My first words when entering the Scan room was," Don't let me know the sex of the child." Moments later the immortal words were uttered by the assistant. " You know you are expecting twins don't you ?"  The joke wore off as reality set in.  They were perfect.  Everyone had to know the good news. Now I was really  excited.

Everything got into a steady routine until Anne was booked a place in the maternity ward for bed rest. But there was still five weeks to go before they were due.  I expected her home in a day or two..... A week later on 6th October I was told to ring Anne at the hospital.... Induction had started. Twelve hours later, all readings had settled down, and the doctor decided to wait until the morning.  Anne had got her wish and the twins would be born on the 7th. It was Anne's birthday on the 7th December.

It's a funny feeling driving home knowing that your children will be born the next day.  Sleep was not possible.  I was back at the hospital at .. All was well, Anne was now being given "the drip".  Our last game of Crib was played as a childless couple.  At 10 O'clock it happened.

Anne was fully dilated, there was no time for the epidural to be used, ( a quick prayer of thanks from me ).  We were rushed into the special births unit, a bit like Frankensteins laboratory, but cleaner.

At 10.41 twin one was born, A GIRL, her name was Joanne Mary, twin 2 was born breach . . . . . A GIRL ? .  We had two boys names and one girls name agreed, God I'm sure has a sense of humour.   Everything was fine.  In the recovery room, with all the administration being done, twin 2 had to be named.  It seemed that everyone got involved and soon Sarah Victoria was named. 

As Anne was given a blanket-bath or whatever, the babies were being 'cooked',,,, I had the opportunity to venture purposely into Mothercare.  As I slowly walked out my joy got the better of me, I ran up the car park, leapt over the gate, ran into ultrasound to the startled eyes of parents-to-be, then exploded the news to the staff, who we had got to know so well.  They asked if it was me who had just jumped the gate.  They thought it was a new father had just escaped.

Life with the twins was brilliant, everyone wanted to see and hold them.  We were so proud of them .  We went to the Lake District in March, in April.  I missed them terribly while I was working in Scotland in April.

I got home at mid-night on Saturday night and couldn't wait to play with the twins in the morning, gosh how they had changed in one week.  On Sunday 2nd May a lot of phone calls were made arranging the twins dedication on Sunday 6th June. Monday 3rd May  was a Bank Holiday, a good gardening day.  Joanne had slept a little in my arms (much to the annoyance of Anne), when Sarah became tired I took her to her cot, assuming she would cry herself to sleep as they both normally did.  All was quiet. 

About 2 hours later Anne found that Sarah was not breathing.  I tried resuscitation, as I thought the First Aid course had taught breath gently into the lungs, fingers on the breast plate.  The ambulance men were here in 15 minutes and they took over. Anne stayed behind and I went to the hospital. The team of white coats were waiting for the Ambulance at  A + E.  I was taken to the parent unit with the nurse while next door the team fought for Sarah.  They detected some heart activity.Every time I said something that might help, the nurse rushed the information to the "battle field".  Anne and her father came in within half an hour.   

We were treated extremely professionally.  The consultant came in with the news that Sarah was very ill but "the fight" was still on.  Later he came in to say there was very little chance and further efforts were not going to make much more progress.  Sarah was already extremely brain damaged.  If resuscitation continued and was successful we would not of revived Sarah. We eventually decided that such efforts should stop. 

It felt as though we were on television or a play, it was not really happening.  But it was.  When we saw Sarah it was as if she was just sleeping.  This I found hard.  Was that a breath I saw?  Did her eyes move just then?  I picked her up.  She felt asleep, her head fell naturally into my neck.  So comfortably.  So like it always did before with that smile on her face.  Why don't you wake up?  The hospital arranged for the baptism service and I called my brother as he would have been a God father.  I needed him present so much.  As we waited for his arrival we talked in the unit, a comfortable room, we had tea again.  Nothing was too much trouble for the hospital.

I remember that I wanted to throw away my key ring that said "Keeping fit for twins", and someone to get rid of all memorabilia of Sarah.  Then Anne showed me the poem and the words stuck fast

            Talk to me as you always do

            Laugh at the things we do together

            I am only in the next room

            Talk about me as though I am still here

                                    or something like that………And it helped.

The baptism was beautiful. We cried.  Sarah ‘slept’ through it.  Joanne was next door in the unit with Anne's father.  How I needed to hold Joanne so much.  Many times I went in to where Sarah lay.  Why would she not wake up?.  Joanne was taken to the children's ward because as an identical twin, the hospital wanted to keep an eye on her.

We went home to get our things, and a neighbour called in.  Some people have the knack of doing the right thing at the right time and our neighbour did. Not wanting to pry but kindly wanting to help in any way, and it was so good to have someone to share and cry with.  We explained what had happened, and that we would be staying at the hospital.  Then our Minister arrived, the timing was just about perfect, (how do people do that ?).  Evidently my sister-in-law telephoned her mum, who rang the Minister,  who came round to drop a note in.  I wish I could do the right thing at the right time once in a while.

That night both of us knew that we would not sleep, so we did not even try.  We talked and talked and talked, subjects like the re-arrangement of the nursery, what was required for the funeral, and how we must keep talking about our feelings etc.  The staff in the children's ward came in from time to time to see if we wanted anything, tea or a chat, nothing was any trouble.

I called the police the next day, trying to string together a sentence without crying.  The inspector was caring.  More interested in how we were, and what he could do for us.

It still went through my mind that everyone was trying to help, but it was my fault.  If I could go back through time I would ensure that Sarah smiled before I left her.  Her death was caused by sleep and stress.  Why didn't anyone ask the direct questions to find out this truth?.  Why did everyone deny this? The inspector agreed to take and dispose of the bed sheets.

Anne and I had to get back to the hospital so that I could visit the mortuary.  I had to see Sarah cold and stiff to convince myself she was dead.  I took her a thimble I had brought her from Scotland and some toys.  A nurse came in with me.  Sarah still looked as if she were sleeping.  I cried.  Talk went to thoughts. The tears went in to rivers.  Never in my life have I cried so much and could not stop.  The nurse cried as well, and probably the mortuary attendant.  I felt it was good for me to cry, (was it real or was I acting ? ). I tried to stop but couldn't.  This was real.  After kissing her and trying to move her shoulders I realised that Sarah was dead.  Who cared if anyone  saw me cry on the way back to the children's ward ?.

That night we stayed in the family room.  Joanne was on the Apney monitor that was set off if it did not detect a breath. 

On Wednesday, Anne and I got home to find our family had returned the duplicate cot, twin buggy, pram, high chair etc.  They had re-arranged the room and generally cleaned up. Annes freiends brought us a new single buggy.

Back at the hospital we expected Joanne to be examined before she could go home.  The consultant joined us during a briefing by the support team on how to get in touch with them at any time, and other services available.  The consultant asked if we had any further questions, then said we could go.  Evidently they already knew that Joanne was alright.  I believe they were, at the time, concerned with Anne and myself.

That night Jean called round, from the Foundation for The Study of Infant Deaths, she had been contacted by the police, the hospital and a neighbour .  We were actually talking to someone who had experienced the same type of experience.  The value of the visit was inestimable.  Due to our common experience we were unfolding our private thoughts to a complete stranger.  Two days later we had a group meeting of several mums to share their stories. I am convinced that this, support and encouragement the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths gave us, enabled Anne and I to build up our lives again.

The week before the funeral lots of people called round, tea was served hourly, wine and beers after 6pm.  All of this helped Anne and I talk.  I now realise how helpful it is to visit people in bereavement, just to let them talk.  On the cards people say " if there is anything we can do ", yes there is, please don't stop talking to us.

At the funeral I was proud to carry my daughter into the church. Everyone was there lots of colleagues from work, even my managers manager.  This gave me much confidence, and knowing that I could take off all the time that I needed, to recover myself.

I miss Sarah every day, especially when I am tired and just before bed.  I see her pictured with Joanne. I imagine two babies together.  Anne and I still talk saying " I miss Sarah".

In an adaption of Bruce Springsten's Song, the message in the book of remembrance Reads "Too good for heaven to allow two of".

Over £800 has now been raised for the Sarah Ball Trust.  This money has gone to the Maternity ward where Anne and the twins spent 3 weeks.  Various foetal monitors and maternity chairs to ease labour discomfort A little more peace of mind for expectant mothers.