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My name is Marianne.  I am 57 years of age and I am now cancer free, although I will continue treatment for several more years.

I didn’t invite cancer into my life and certainly not into my body.  I never envisaged it would choose me.  Why would it?  Surely it doesn’t bother with fit and healthy people like me who don’t smoke or drink (apart from the odd glass of wine) and have an A* diet.  Well, here’s the wake up call. Cancer does that. It came into my life (well body actually) in October 2016 after a routine mammogram.

Only 6 months earlier in April my Mum died of liver matastasis.  She lived only a few weeks after the diagnosis.  For Mum she didn’t know about her cancer. She had dementia and lived in a happy bubble. Thinking back I am not too sure as to whether or not she did know!

Only months prior to mum’s death we had moved back from Spain where we had lived in a very supportive community for ten years.  The trauma of her sudden diagnosis and death was devastating.  Sitting, watching her one night was eerie. At that time I had not even considered I would succumb to the same sole destroying disease. 

I have since discovered there is a lot of cancer in my family. I have a constant fear mine will return.

When my diagnosis struck like lightening in October 2016 we were completely isolated.  Our friends who would have comforted us were just too far away.  

We were also having to deal with Mum’s Will.  Ordinarily you would think this would be relatively easy.  Not for us. There was a vicious dispute regarding the contents and wording of the Will.  This continued even after I was ill.  I was told by one sibling that I deserved the cancer and she would be glad if I died.  I have had the most hurtful things said to me and about me.  I will never see either sibling again. I am actually afraid of them. I was emotionally drained and wounded.  The dispute was finally settle in late 2017.  We all received our inheritance as per the Will minus of course the unbelievable legal costs.

It actually makes me sad that I will never know where Mum’s ashes are.

Some people breeze through their treatment. Unfortunately, despite the love and support of my husband Chris, I didn’t and mine caused caused me to spiral to the depth of despair. 

The only way I can put into words how it made me feel is to equate it to a roller coaster  ride.  You reluctantly climb into the carriage and as soon as the safety bars engulf you, you are trapped.  You cannot get off.  There is absolutely no way a roller coaster is going to stop and let you off.  My cancer treatment was pretty much the same.  For me there was nothing pink and fluffy about cancer.

I had two lots of surgery.  After the first I was so ill  my life was completely upside down  I was in pain and being told “sorry you need more surgery”

Radiotherapy was horrifying for me.  It unearthed the most unthinkable memories.  Memories that I had long since boxed away.  Memories that are too painful to talk about.

My inability to cope was picked up during radiotherapy treatment at Clatterbridge and I was immediately referred for counselling.

 This has not been easy for me, especially as I find it difficult to talk about my past and feelings. I have, at rock bottom, taken an overdose. I felt I could stand no more. I really wanted everything to end. Obviously it didn’t. I’m taking medication now to help my mood. I never ever thought this would happen to me but it did. I’m still having counselling.  I’m learning to move forward and I have lots of support and coping strategies.

I am so grateful to Clatterbridge for my treatment.  It is an amazing place which oozes kindness and support. Now I’m physically well I would love to give something back so this is why I decided to give myself a challenge, something different, but something I enjoy. Swimming is my passion. Being as I run I thought I’d add that. Then I decided why not add the bike too. A hat trick or a triathlon even!

I’ve never done a triathlon, but mine is different. It will be done over 12 months throughout 2018, hence the distance. One million metre swim and run (each) and a two million metre bike ride. I guess its going to keep me busy. This is a tough schedule, but by doing this not only am I giving myself a challenge but I will be raising awareness along the way and of course I hope to raise some money for Clatterbridge Cancer Charity.

If you see me out and about give me a wave or say hello or if you feel like joining me in the pool for quite a few laps I’d be grateful of the company.

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