On my partner, Kavell’s, 30^th Birthday (January 2016) we were given the most precious gift we could have ever asked for… We’re having a Baby! Something we had been dreaming of for many years. We were both so emotional and so grateful to be given this little miracle, Kav always said he would like to be a dad by the time he was 30 - Perfect timing! Our 2016 was the most incredible year, creating memories whilst our little one was growing in mummy’s belly. I had never felt happier and so grateful for every single kick and hiccup. I absolutely loved being pregnant. These moments will stay with me forever. I did yoga and meditation every morning before work to connect with little one as much as I could and I ate super healthy.  Kav and I were at the point where almost everything was ready, we were ready for our little cherub to arrive. <3

It had just been a stunning August bank holiday finishing off the preparation for my baby shower. I was getting up, ready for my last 2 days at work, and something felt different… I normally wake up to a lot of movement but, for some reason, I couldn’t feel too much. Maybe bubbas in a comfortable position and ready to meet us… I rung the midwife as I wasn’t sure and she told me to eat something sugary, drink a cold drink and lay on my left side for half an hour to encourage movement… "If you still don’t feel anything come in for a quick check" she said. After half an hour bubba was still very quiet so we went in. All the way, Kav and I were saying to each other it will be absolutely fine, we know bubba is so healthy, we’ll just go and have a check up then continue with our day.

We got to the Triage and my heart dropped a little. It all seemed a bit strange why I was there… It had been a good hour now I hadn’t felt one kick when normally baby is so active in the morning. I just want to be told everything is fine and we go home. I got called straight though and laid down on one of the beds to listen to baby’s heartbeat…

…There was no sound

I couldn’t feel a thing anywhere in my body… I felt completely numb. Kav and I looked at each other like we had just entered a nightmare.  No-one prepares you for anything like this. After more checks and scans to confirm the devastating news by a doctor, I then get told I will have to be induced in the next few hours, to give birth to our precious little baby, lifeless.

During the 48 hours at home of waiting for my body to kick into labour, I remember completely loosing myself. I wanted to run away, I almost did. I couldn’t stop thinking this is all completely wrong. I thought I felt my baby moving. I felt like maybe I would go in hospital on the Thursday and everything would all be back to normal.  Then flashbacks of what happened only hours ago would kick in. It was so, so confusing and so hard to come to terms with it. Only yesterday I was looking forward to my baby shower and we were getting babys nursery ready.

Early hours of September 2^nd 2016 our baby Girl Ixora-Louise was born exactly 6lb. Although we knew the outcome, it was the most beautiful experience. I hypnobirthed so calmly the whole way and couldn’t be more proud of myself for doing so. I will never forget the moment my little Angel was gently placed into my arms and Kav telling me, it’s a girl!

She really is an Angel, her beauty took my breath away. Her face is the most perfect little face I have ever seen. Everything about our precious little girl was so pure and peaceful. I couldn’t have possibly dreamt of a more beautiful.

We spent the full 5 days in the Rosemary Suite at Colchester Hospital, which is beautifully decorated in such a way it doesn’t seem like your in a hospital. Its not in the slightest bit ‘medical’ and far away enough from the main maternity ward so we could feel comfortable. There is also a separate room with a kitchenette and sofas so your family can come and visit. Unfortunately, not all hospitals across the country have this.


All the Midwives from The Rosemary Suite at Colchester hospital did everything they possibly could to make this heart-breaking point in our lives as bearable as possible. As I mentioned, no-one can prepare you for anything like this, so it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to do the things the wonderful midwives helped us with. We were able to spend days with our little angel because of the Cuddle Cot 4Louis provided. We were also given a Memory Box from 4Louis that, I can honestly say, means the absolute world to us - In it was an SD card where we could take as many pictures as we wanted (the hospital provided a camera and one of the midwives was able to position our little girl in a very graceful way), a cute little box to keep a locket of her hair, a clay impression kit to capture her tiny feet and hands, 2 teddies - one for us and one to stay with our little girl and many more memories to capture during our precious moments with her.

We are eternally grateful for the time we had with our baby girl and cherished every single second. She has given us the gift of unconditional love and strength we will forever hold on to. She will always be our first child who has touched our hearts so deeply, I carried our baby girl for every second of her life, we will hold her in our hearts for every second of ours.

We were given the opportunity to create memories to last a lifetime. The staff at Colchester hospital as well as the Charity 4Louis (amongst other charities) supported this and are continuing to support us (plus many other bereaved parents) in many ways. For this, we want to share our gratitude and give back to them.