Thanks for taking the time to visit our JustGiving page.
On the 7th and 8th of July 2012 a considerable calvalcade of costume clad monkeybike mounted and mainly middle aged medieval motorcyclists will once again traverse the moors and dales of Englands largest and some might say finest county. In a blatant and lazy copy of last years event (make sure you see the video) but with added vim we shall visit an assortment of medieval locations to vigorously shake our buckets during our 300 mile, two day crusade to bolster the coffers of this worthy cause.
Please join us and/or support us by giving what you can. Read on below for the full story of what happened last year:
Fundraising for the Yorkshire Ambulance is now also an effective weight loss programme! Full motorcycle riding gear topped by elaborate fancy dress is a sure-fire winner for the race to lose a few pounds if you are riding in the Yorkshire sunshine.
This is my attempt to thank everyone who took part, and to tell all of you that were not able to exactly what you missed.
The sun shone, the monkeys throbbed, the knights, jesters, monks, kings, wenches, William Wallace and Bernie the Bear cavorted for the press and the convoy then moved off from Bankstone’s offices towards the first planned fuel stop in Keighley. Mechanical problems led to the loss of the Bott and Co monkey before the delightful Lady Kerry Garner from Yorkshire Air Ambulance had waved us off, but Sir Denis of Wakefield rose brave heartedly to the task and installed himself upon a pristine Examworks monkey resplendent in its Pantone 130 mustard yellow paintwork, and multitudinous Examworks logos which had been expertly prepared by Squire Chris Bennison and the boys at BLD in Brighouse. Baron Allan of Poppleton had arranged for water and bacon sandwiches to fortify us at the start but due to the peculiar Brighouse practice of deep frying the bacon there was no time to consume the sandwiches until we had stopped for fuel in Keighley.
With glad hearts and horns-a- tooting at all bemused pedestrian peasants the brave convoy lurched forwards up the hill out of Brighouse to climb the 1250 foot precipice at Queensbury before the coast through Denholme to the first fuel (and bacon sandwich) stop in Keighley. The Bankstone Gorilla seemed a little in at ease around its rear. Was it the extra weight it was carrying this year? No, thanks to a vigilant Lord Jones of Donny and the stout Sir Michael of Ringwood a flat rear tyre was diagnosed. Unable to fix this, a quick swap to the spare Dax (kindly donated for the weekend by CG Chell of Stafford, the ever enthusiastic suppliers of all the monkeys) was made and after a quick visual check that there was some fuel in it the quest continued.
Ably led by Copart’s Sir Martyn de Buchan in his black BMW carriage adorned by its alluring magnetic door signs proclaiming the purpose of the quest (kindly provided by the fragrant Lady Cheryl of BLD in Ringwood) the convoy fought its way to the entrance of Skipton Castle where it came upon Simon Shaw the official Knaresborough Town Crier. We had covered the first 25 miles. Simon proceeded to announce to the huddled populace at this and every stop, explaining why we were disturbing their previously peaceful existence, and exhorting them to divest themselves of loose poundage into our buckets and collecting tins. A magnificent £193.55 was collected over the weekend helped in no small part by the charming quartet of Examworks ladies and their plucky chaperone Sir Scanners Esquire. Wearing identical authentic medieval wenches outfits ideally suited to the temperature, and to attract admiring glances from at least half of the population, were the feisty Lady Amelia Binks, keeper of the front seat and privy purse, the fair and demure Lady Emily Spence, Lady Emily Hogg keeper of the royal fake-bake and finally, the taller of the four, Lady Nicky McCarthy keeper of her dignity when being manhandled by a Town Crier, all expert bucket shakers when they weren’t using their buckets as informal handbags to carry their mobile phones. Sir Scanners ensured the lady’s carriage kept with the convoy and showed remarkable fortitude in donning the inappropriately (for the time of year) furry Bernie the Bear outfit at every opportunity and dancing around in it until all children under the age of 3 were in tears, and their parents parting with the desired wads of cash to ensure he moved on. Simon Shaw and his amazing dancing bear: where does Randy Newman get inspiration for his songs?
After a quick swap en route from the Chells Dax to the BLD scooter (failure to diagnose need to go onto reserve fuel on my part) the convoy formed up for the longest leg of the journey, up through Wharfedale via Kilnsey Crags, Kettlewell, Burnsall and Buckden, past Aysgarth Falls (a stop in a previous event) up to the magnificent Castle Bolton – 57 miles completed. The Bike Insurer bikes had been ridden in a spirited manner on this leg by chief jester Phil Wilding and Friar Lester Short whose 2ft comedy penis had escaped from under his monks robes to flap alarmingly from side to side at anything over 40 mph. A fair maiden was seen to blush and ask what it was he was holding in his hand. When it was explained twas just his John Thomas she was heard to utter “oh it is like a willy only smaller”. Perhaps Alex needs more padding next year. The kind owner of the castle invited the comely Lady Jo Rive, the mysterious and sultry Lady Madalina Cocoveica and the vigorous Lady Jess Scallion to accompany him inside where he proceeded to help them rattle their buckets. Flushed with this success they emerged blinking into the sunshine, remounted their carriage and the convoy sped off on the short journey to Middleham Castle – 68 miles done.
The knights on bikes overcame the initial resistance to forming up in a line within the castle grounds for good King Henry VIII to arrange the necessary portrait. Sir Jon of the Fawcett and good Sir Garry of the Coates were of great assistance as the lady from English Heritage was held back long enough for King Hal’s work and we were on the way again back through Leyburn, along Wensleydale to scale the ramparts of the massive Richmond Castle whereupon the gates were opened and all steeds sallied forth without bloodshed into the courtyard. We were now well over an hour behind schedule and very hungry but we had seen off 3 castles and the first 79 miles.
The leading vehicle was getting into the swing of things. The troubadours of Radio One filled the air as serene Sir Edmoule of Take That smoothly his parchment map and directed Sir Martyn de Buchan which lane to take to heed us swiftest to the vittles’ awaiting at Sir Simon Bailes fettling shop of Northallerton. The goodly Lord Rathmell and his comely wife had laid on a wondrous spread, to sate the appetites of the mithering masses that did descendeth upon them. Lord Rathmell administered to the Bankstone Gorilla and behold it was aroused and ready to be ridden hard over the Wolds to our next castle at Helmsley. This allowed Simon Shaw to mount a steed of his own (the BLD scooter) and vacate the carriage he had been gracing with his tales of previous derring do.
We bade a fond farewell to the good folk of Northallerton and took a path most twisted and upon the severest of inclines the cross dressing Sir Brian of Dragon Embroidery was thrown most cruelly from his mount which pirouetted gently to a halt at the crown of the road. The steed was hurt most grievously and good Sir Brian continued upon the spare Dax. Meanwhile the BLD Gorilla was losing its bodily fluids at a rate most injurious ensuring noble Sir Dobby of Hernia to transfer his allegiance to an old mount called Gladys. Ever East we rode, us happy few, and on the long and winding descent towards Helmsley, and positioned flat on top of the bike for minimum air resistance Sir Dickon of Dingham was seen to issue copious noxious gas from his rear and upon arrival the Gorilla was forcibly removed from between his legs and he was to suffer the penance of completing the remainder of the quest inside a carriage. We had covered 117 miles.
On and on t’wards Pickering but perhaps forewarned of our arrival we were unable to pierce the town’s defences and the castle walls remained unbreached. Thirst needed slaking and gallons of good ale were needed for such a task so we took our steeds in hand and headed on again to Scarborough. Sheriff Malcolm of Crompton formed the welcome party along with assorted Fawcett and Coates family members so after greetings were made we made our way to our lodgings in the town. We bade a temporary farewell to twittering Sir Steven Le Pepper of the Elvensefty and arranged to meet outside the Grand at 9 on the morrow. We had covered 150 miles!
Weary and bleary of the eye the motley crew assembled all except our redoubtable Town Crier who had overslept and nearly missed his carriage home. There were mutterings of Haye which must refer to horse fodder and several were seen to clutch sausage and egg McVittles. Lumbering into life the convoy grumbled its way in a circuitous fashion to the locked gates of Scarborough Castle whereupon portraits were made, and U turns were practiced, and the convoy bade farewell to the burghers of Scarborough and headed West to Sheriff Hutton. The bandit that was serf Clay de Moule of BLD became detached and was only to become re-attached at Sheriff Hutton. This was entirely due to misinformation from the frankly incompetent Sir Dickon of Dingham who was forced thenceforth to suffer the indignity as driver of the lead cart allowing Sir Martyn de Buchan to sleep off the hangover most spiteful in the back. The rescue cart most ably steered in turns by Lord Grant of Varnham, Sir Robert the Osler, Abbot Tom of the Lake and Bishop Matt de Sopp. They were also wrestling with badly behaved monkeys and because of this had lost the rear of the convoy and met up with us again at Sheriff Hutton where the owners allowed us into their privately owned castle, gave us a guided tour, offered to help next year and saw us on our way, humbled by their generosity of spirit and looking forward to seeing them again in a year’s time. 205 miles into the quest.
We tarried a while whilst Lady Jess and Lady Jo practised on the grass before forming up for the 15 mile journey to U-Pullit in Full Sutton. The route involved many crossings of major roads and the bravery of Serf Clay de Moule of BLD was noted as he forced his faithful BLD Bandit stallion into the path of the oncoming hordes, thus allowing safe passage to the convoy. This was noted by all concerned and deserving of a special medal of valour and instant ennobling to Sir Claymoule of Verwood. Once inside the caverns of U-Pullit the steeds and attendants were both watered and fettled and the necessary parts to repair Sir Brian’s monkey were generously donated. Count Stefan Pantiru of Southport was persuaded to leave the comfort of the Bike Insurer carriage and after donning the knightly vestments swung his leg over a beast for the next part of the quest. The inexperienced riders did the cause proud and with bravery and fortitude most becoming fought bravely against everything the roads could throw at them to emerge unvanquished – they are a credit to themselves and deserveth a pat on the back. Take yourselves forth and go lie under a cow.
The herd thundered on, 220 miles lay behind us, only Sir Edmoule of Ringpiece with his trusty parchment truly knew what lay ahead. Many busy thoroughfares were traversed, a rickety wooden toll-bridge was crossed, announcements were heard about the endeavour on Stray FM and the good people of the quest found themselves in the middle of Knaresborough at the gates of the castle. We were met by the Mayor and the Knaresborough Silver Band and after they had serenaded us most mellifluously we went amongst the peasantry to extract what groats they had to spare for the cause. Sir Scanners took his carriage full of ladies back North at this point leaving us with the remaining Examworks totty, Sir Allan of Totty on his dark, diminutive but surprisingly loud and powerful steed to accompany us to the end. The cry “Onwards to Ripley” was heard as the mighty and monumentally moaning Sir Carl Jackson, truly a Knight to Remember, took control of a steed once again as we headed for our final castle.
Ripley’s fine emporium provided provender most tempting – a particularly fine pie will live long in the memory – but we must not tarry too long, we had come but 265 miles and had a further 35 to complete. Baron Allan of Poppleton met us with his trusty retainer Squire Marcel along with a representative from the local news-parchment provider. Town Crier Simon, Sir Steven Le Pepper of the Elvensefty, cross dressing Sir Brian of Dragon Embroidery, Sir Jon of the Fawcett and good Sir Garry of the Coates all peeled away towards their own lands as we left on the final leg of our journey. Past giant white balls, mysteriously dry lakes and a statue of the man who made a chair, the merry band of brothers toiled on until the gleaming hovels of Brighouse hove into view. The portals of BLD beckoned and after 300 weary but strangely satisfying miles we arrived at our destination. The quest was complete.
Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving – they’ll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they’ll send your money directly to the charity and make sure Gift Aid is reclaimed on every eligible donation by a UK taxpayer. So it’s the most efficient way to donate - I raise more, whilst saving time and cutting costs for the charity.
So please dig deep and donate now.
