£100 - At the tender age of 9, I was barred from all Woolworths stores nationwide for removing a tub of glow-in-dark green 'Goo' which formed part of a 'Ghostbusters' pack. I attached a price label from another product to the tub and paid for it. On leaving the shop a jobsworthy Security attendant stopped me. He spoke with my mum and after a heated discussion in the interrogation room it was agreed that the matter would not be referred to the police under the condition that I would be barred from all Woolworths stores until the age of 16. I am naturally delighted that Woollies has now gone belly-up. Needless to say - I had the last laugh!

£200 - I once went to the doctor because I was convinced a spider had laid eggs in my ear.

£300 - Last year I had an appointment with my Bank manager to discuss the possibility of raising finance to buy commercial premises for my parents business. Before the meeting I had unwisely decided to shoe-horn in a dentist appointment. So I went to the dentist, had my mouth-numbed and he proceeded to do lots of horrible things to me. Once that was all done he gave me some kinda special mouth-wash.

After the traumatic ordeal I made my way straight to the bank. I was greeted by the receptionist and she asked me to take a seat in the waiting area and the manager would come and get me when he was available. While I was sat down I thought I might feed my mastication addiction by having a piece of gum. I started chewing but the gum had some kind of horrible reaction with all the chemicals that the Dentist had given me. I could feel it melting in my numb mouth, so I thought it would be best to take it. Bad idea. The gum had turned into some kind of liquid gooey glue and it had disintegrated all over both my hands. I tried desperately to rub it off but it just kept spreading. I had no tissues or anything to wipe my hands with. They were literally stuck together and covered in this horrible white mess.

I started to panic. I knew the bank manager would emerge at any second. I looked on the table next to me and saw the daily papers were there. I grabbed the nearest page and frantically started rub the goo off. My efforts were semi-successful and just at that point the bank manager emerged to find me sat in the reception area, clutching a screwed-up copy of the Times front page which was obviously covered in some sticky white matter. I quickly stood up and like a naughty school boy put my hands behind my back to conceal the mess I had created. Naturally, the manager looked confused. He introduced himself and extended his arm to offer me his hand. I didn't know what to do. Do I shake it with my sticky hand? Or do I shun his offer and pretend I didn't know what to do with it? I waited. I thought if I ignore it for long enough, and speak instead, he would just drop his hand. Speaking was a bad idea. Having just emerged from the dentist I didn't have full control over my mouth and combined with my panicked state, a slurred incomprehensible drivel spurted out of my mouth as I tried to introduce myself. The manager looked even more confused, and increasingly concerned. But he didn't drop his hand. It was still there. I had no choice - I had to shake it. I went for one last wipe on the crumpled newspaper and swiftly just went for it. I grabbed his hand and gave it one firm shake, then prised it away just as quickly. The man looked terrified. He had no idea what had just happened. He looked down at his hand, then at me and eventually broke the awkward silence by tentatively inviting me into his office. Needless to say the meeting was less than successful.

£400 - When I was 4 my mum had to rush me to hospital because I had lodged a snail's shell up my nose. It's the first memory I have of being truly terrified. Luckily the doctors were able to retrieve the shell. No snails were harmed during the incident.  

£500 - I once mistook a jar of crushed chilli's for fish-food and fed my Grandma's Gold Fish with it. In the morning all three of them were floating, dead, on top of the water. I felt bad, very very bad.

£600 - My first childhood 'pets' were a pair of scorpions and a snake. They were all (unfortunatley) dead and kept pickled in a glass jar. I use to take them everywhere with me. Later in life I got a snake that was alive.

£700 - I went through a 'phase', when I was around 5 years old, when I only walked on tip-toes and the only word I would say was 'Dogal'. Through my research there is no meaning for this word in any language. I think my mum took me to the doctor (as the 'phase' went on for about a year) to see if there was anything he could do. From my recollection he just laughed.