UPDATE:  THE FINAL REPORT

Well, the Charity 'Lock Up' has now been and gone.  It was an experience that I would not have missed, although I must say, it's not one that I would be in a hurry to repeat.

When we went to Wealdstun on the evening of the 13th, we were allowed to take friends and family for a guided tour of the prison. My wife Irene and my daughter in law, Amanda came with me and we were given a tour of a cell block, similar to the one I would be occupying that night, the prison laundry, the religious centre, the education wing and finally the visitors area, where we were given a demonstration by three guys from the prison 'Riot Squad' on how violent prisoners were restrained.  ( I think that was to show what would happen to you if you kicked off during the overnight stay).    It worked for me.  I immediately shelved the plans I had for an IRA style ' Dirty Protest', followed by my Strangeways style climbing on to the roof and throwing slates at Prison Officers.

After the 'visitors' had left, we prisoners were taken to our accommodation in J wing.    I was really surprised.  The cells were small, but looked very homely.  The big surprise was firstly they were single occupancy, then even more surprising, they all had a colour TV and their very own kettle.    They were en suite too, with a toiled and a wash hand basin !!     Admittedly, the toilet was in the same area as your bed and  very close to the table where you had your food, so any use of the facility meant that whatever smell was produced was yours for the night.  Nevertheless, the cells were better than some of the accommodation I had slept in when attending courses at some Police Training Schools !!

Prior to being locked in for the night, each of us prisoners were given a supper and breakfast pack. The supper was a choice of cheese or tuna sandwiched and a bag of crisps and the breakfast was a small polythene bag with some cornflakes in it, a small carton of milk, some sachets of sugar, about 6 tea bags, some coffee whitener ( NO coffee, so what the hell was the whitener for???), some sachets of jam ( No bread or butter, so similarly, what the hell were you supposed to do with the jam ?????) and the prisons answer to a healthy diet, an orange.

Armed with this wealth of food, I retired to my pad to enjoy watching TV ( without my wife constantly flicking over channels) and enjoy my cheese sandwich and crisps.  I brewed myself a cup of tea , thinking what a pleasant night this was going to be and sat down on the bed to enjoy my supper.   It was then that it struck me.   During the whole of my childhood, my mother had warned me that sitting on wet bike seats and cold concrete would give you piles !!   The matress had all the characteristics of a 6ft 6ins x 3ft x 6ins block of concrete, with a pillow to match.  I wondered what ailments my mother would have said that would cause if I slept on it all night !!  Even my 17and a half stone arse couldn't make a dent in the matress and when I punched the pillow, I broke three knuckles in my right hand and still never made a dent in it.

I knew then that this wasn't going to be the best night of my life and hatched a plan that included staying up watching tele as long as possible without having to lie down.  I managed it up till about midnight, keeping myself awake by constantly brewing cups of tea ( with tea bags that had already been used at least twice before to conserve sufficient stock for my breakfast).  At midnight, with a numb ass through sitting for three hours on the concrete matress, I gave in and laid down.  It was as bad as I had anticipated. No amount of shuffling could find me a comfortable resting place.  I had switched the cell light off and knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep, continued watching TV to take my mind off the pain involved in lying down.

Somehow, I must have dozed off and at 2am I awoke to find the television off and my cell light on. I was sure that I had gone to sleep with those the other way round !!  I got up to switch off the cell light, only to find that it had been switched on from outside the cell door, obviously by some prison officer checking up on me to make sure I hadn't committed suicide because of the matress  and pillow.  I got up to switch it off but found that it could only be switched off from outside the cell.  I tried the door but the buggers had actually locked me in !!   I tried for about an hour to beat the glare and go to sleep, hoping that the light may be on some sort of time switch that switched itself off.  No such luck.  I was forced to ring the emergency bell, which we were instructed to press if anything was drastically wrong during the night.  I stood back, half expecting the Riot Squad to turn up, but was pleasnatly surprised when the uniformed room service attendent came and asked me what was wrong.  I just pointed at the light. He grunted and switched it off.   I returned to my concrete bed, thankful at least that it was dark again.

I slept fitfully until about 6am, when I woke up aching in places I didn't know existed. The pillow had knocked shit out of my neck, which felt like I had just wrested five rounds with Big Daddy !!  I passed the next two hours making my re-cycled tea bags last out , ate my cornflakes and orange and entertained myself by reading the Wealdstun Waffler, a magazine produced by the prisoners.  That was the most entertaining bit of the whole stay.  I was most impressed with some of the articles, particularly the one about the worlds dumbest criminals. ( I never thought prisoners would appreciate those sort of stories, all being in prison themselves. How dumb were they themselves  ???)

Eventually, 8am came and our doors were unlocked by our genial hosts, the Prison Officers. What great guys they were !! The Senior Prison Officer was a liar though. He said that around 1.30am he had come into my cell, turned off my TV set and had tried to wake me to see if I was OK. He even suggested that I was snoring and was so fast asleep, he couldn't waken me up.  I know that wasn't true, as I hadn't slept a wink !!

When they let us out of the cell, we  then enjoyed our communal shower  prior to being released.  I kept tight hold of my soap all the time I was in the shower, also being careful to keep my back to the wall whenever possible and never bending down at all.  I had heard how some men can be when they have been away from women for a night.   Me being so attractive could have had dire consequences, which I thankfully avoided.

It was lovely getting out of those gates on a beautiful sunny May morning.  I drove home as fast as I could ( withouty of course speeding or committing any traffic violations which could land me back in nick !!).

Whe I got home, I made straight for our very comfortable reclining settee and promptly went to sleep. I slept most of the day, waking up eventually about 11pm, when i crawled upstairs into my lovely bed with the memory foam matress !!

I will never again complain how prisoners have it easy these days. They are welcome to their single occupancy cells, their private colour  TVs and their own little kettles.  As long as they are sleeping on those bloody beds they are being punished enough !!!

As I said at the beginning. An experience I would not have missed, but one which I will hopefully never have to repeat.

Bill XXX 

HMP Wealstun Charity Lock In - Thursday 6th May

Hi to all my friends!  Those of you who know me will know that I have long been a supporterof many Charities, my favourite being The Prince of Wales Hospice, in Pontefract.  When I was asked if I would like to help the hospice by going to prison, I thought  that the limits of  what I would do to raise money had been reached.   However, when they explained that it was just for one night, it took me no time to agree.  What an experience.

I wondered why the Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Hospice had selecetd me for the priviledge. Well, I found out that firstly , they needed  some sort of idiot that wouldn't be missed for a day and a night and secondly, someone who could provide a decent headline in the local press.  He seemed to think that I was a suitable idiot and that the headline " FORMER POLICE SUPERINTENDENT JAILED "  fit the bill perfectly.

So, very appropriately, on the night of the General Election, ( will I be allowed to vote?  I don't think prisoners are normally !!)  I will be reclining  ' At Her Majesty's Pleasure' in Wealdstun Prison in Thorp Arch, near Wetherby. I will be treated just like any other prisoner, being searched before being placed in the cell, eating prison food, allowed no luxuries above what normal prisoners are allowed and being locked in, with no hope of being let out no matter how hard I scream, until normal 'prison wake up time'.   The upside of this is that I will miss all those boring election results that normally keep me up half the night on TV. !!

To make it just a perfect experience, I need your money.  I would like to say " The more you pay, the longer I stay.", but in reality, they will only allow me to stay for one night.  Please make the experience a sweet one for me by helping me to reach my target and help both the Prince of Wales Hospice ( who will get 85% of what I raise ) and the Martin House Childrens Hospice ( who will get 15%).

Just a few words about the Hospices.Both The Prince of Wales Hospice and the Martin House Hospice  improve the quality of life for people with a life limiting illness. They provide specalist care and support for patients, and also their families and friends.

When time is short, they help patients and their loved ones make the most of the precious time they have. 

Thanks for taking the time to visit my JustGiving page.

Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving – they’ll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they’ll send your money directly to the charity and make sure Gift Aid is reclaimed on every eligible donation by a UK taxpayer. So it’s the most efficient way to donate - I raise more, whilst saving time and cutting costs for the charity.

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARFE IN THE WORLD, YOU CAN DONATE, SO LONG AS YOU HAVE A CREDIT OR DEBIT CARD, OR A PAYPAL ACCOUNT.   PAYMENTS CAN ONLY BE MADE IN £ STERLING, SO WORK OUT HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO GIVE IN POUNDS BY CHECKING HOW IT WORKS OUT IN YOUR LOCAL CURRENCY AND JUSTGIVING WILL DO THE APPROPRIATE CONVERSION. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CHECK EXCHANGE RATES VISIT;   http://www.xe.com/ucc

My Target of £2000 may well be rather over ambitious, but nothing ventured....nothing gained. So please, please , dig deep and donate now.