On the 9^th January 2006 my beautiful baby girl Megan was born into the world. In that room in there was so much pride and joy as you may expect.  But when Doug (daddy) handed over to me the little warm body  his heart was breaking.

In that room there were no baby cries and no expectations of any. Two days earlier we had been told that Megan had died.  No one knew why at that time and later would never be able to tell us why, but the day after I finished work to commence my maternity leave she stopped living.

Our two most wonderful friends had waited for her birth at the hospital, they held her and loved her and we laughed and cried together. All that was needed was a jump start in a way, she was perfectly formed with no health needs, just missing the little spark.  The love for her was in abundance and at home the practical arrangements for her all ready. 

We stayed with her until the early afternoon of the next day.  I couldn’t hand her over to the midwives never to hold her again. I had to make them promise once Doug had handed her over, they would ignore any pleas or cries and just go. As we walked out that hospital our life began to feel as empty as that moses basket.

The love and support around us was great. People genuinely cared for us and wanted to help but there was nothing anyone could say.  For a while I would beg people to let me have her back, my body craved for her and my heart felt like I had the most intense addiction that could not be met.  I had a temporary time line going on really, She had gone to for a post mortem and I was waiting for her to come back when we would have a service at the crematorium.  In my head it was as if she was on a school trip and would be coming home. My heart new otherwise really. We planned that service, with as much detail and care as you would for your daughters wedding.  When she came back 3 weeks later we had the service and lots of people came.

Of course, as with death life goes on.  Including ours, I guess its good really because  you feel like you have also died but you have not and will not yet.  I knew I had to get up, I had responsibilities to others and would not allow myself to go under.  I planned a trip to – this gave me a focus, another time line.  I did it, I trekked the Inca Trail, I was ill and grieving but I did it.  People were still around me, trying to support me but even their love fell short against my pain.

Then I entered the world of SANDS.  Still Birth and Neonatal Death Society. Here was a club I joined.  This was not a club I wanted to belong to. I wanted to be in the new nervous mum club. At the same time I needed them.  I was desperate to make her real.  She had never been in the house (outside of me) and I couldn’t find a place to make her real enough.  SANDS had a forum, like a chat room.  In that room there were other lonely people, who knew they could walk on side with you even if they could not take away your pain. They too knew how lonely it felt.  The email forum meant I could put her story in writing, tell people about her, those people could feel the love and knew how much one craved and needed to talk about her.  It was okay to talk to them.  Others around me always told me and still do that it’s okay to talk about her but after a while it is the same things you say and no one has any answers and for me it felt like I was a broken record. I had contact with the Shropshire SANDS group.  Two ladies visited me and for a few years SANDS would send a card on her birthday. They helped me make her feel real and in some ways keep her alive.  I did after a time stop going on the SANDS website, I began to find it too sad to cope when new people came. For a while I tried to suppress the grieve and got busy.  I think I did that quite well, it bubbled up for a time but I kept pushing it down.  As we all know eventually  the unresolved things come back to bite you on the bottom and I have had to go there. I guess I will always have some of it but I am better equipped now to face it.

I do believe that without the support of my family and friends and without the access to SANDS, particularly the forum, I would not have got back up again.  I do belong to another club now…… As my daughter is two, it’s the frustrated mum club.  No seriously, I have the most wonderful gift in my life.  has helped life to become full again, we have fun and laughter and my heart overflows with love and pride.  I do truly believe that God blessed me with both my girls. 

So what am I asking…… Well, I plan to offer blood, lots of sweat and most probably tears because I am going to run the Stafford Half Marathon in March.  Never being a runner at all, I have had to work hard (still do).  I am asking for people to sponsor me. The money raised will go to SANDS so they can continue to support  people.  The forum and meetings are just one small aspect of their work.  If people are willing to sponsor me there is a secure website where they can make an online payment. Any amount however small is gratefully received.  . On the 21^st March, I go running to raise money for SANDS and in the memory of my beautiful Megan.

Many thanks for your time.