July 22, 2019: I was 39 weeks pregnant with my second son Colin. My pregnancy was healthy and I felt confident. My first pregnancy and delivery was totally normal, I got this!. I started getting contractions at 1AM and woke my husband up to take me to the hospital. I was excited on the way there and remember thinking that my life won't be the same with 2 little boys. We got to the hospital by 2AM and was told the worst news. There is no heart beat. Those words don't sink in. They must not be able to find it. I yelled to get someone else to check. It took 4 people to confirm. Our baby boy was not alive anymore. How? Why? This didn't make any sense. I just felt him kick earlier that day. The realization that I was about to deliver my baby boy that was not alive was absolutely frightening. My labor progressed and I was 10 centimeters. I did not want to push. I wanted to keep him with me. I did not want to face this. It all felt like a bad dream. I thought one last time, maybe the doctors were wrong. I delivered Colin and he did not cry like I so so wanted. He was gone. My OB  told us that the umbilical cord was wrapped too tight around his neck. I am most certain he had a  "true knot" in his umbilical cord and that it was also wrapped around his neck. When he dropped down during labor the cord tightened and cut off his flow of oxygen. This is so rare. We cuddled and bathed Colin. We had family in to meet him. We dressed him up in his take home outfit and took pictures. We received the best love and support from our families and the nurses at Women and Infants. We had to say goodbye to Colin. I still don't know how I had the strength to say goodbye and walk out of that room. 

The shock of not having our baby with us and the wonder of what he would be like is so deeply painful. It is not fair to bury your baby. I wanted to share my story to support other families like us.  I would like to raise funds for the Angel Names Association who helps stillborn families pay for funeral and burial expenses. They also provide counseling support and raise money for stillborn research. 

I also hope my story can help other mothers who experience any type of baby loss know that they are not alone. This is not something we should refrain from talking about. All I want to do is talk about my baby and hear his name.

Lastly, I would like to give a huge thanks to my beyond supportive husband Sam, Ben and our amazing family and friends. I love you all so much. 

XoXo 

Stephanie