*I know I'm usually a laugh a minute/good time gal but I really think it's important to tell the truth if it means other people end up feeling less alone*

Suicide has impacted my life in many ways since I was a child.

The first time I considered it for myself was in 2002. I was 11.

The first time I attempted it was in 2011. I was 20.

The first time I lost someone to it was in 2015. I was 24.

I'd been depressed for months but hadn't noticed. It sounds silly on reflection, but looking back I thought that the mood swings and sudden lack of lust for life were just a growing part of my personality. I'd moved to London from Swansea on a scholarship for a drama school that I didn't really want to go too, and had no idea how to be myself in a new city without any of my old friends. I became a caricature of myself with a ridiculous laugh and a desperate need to constantly be the centre of attention. Weekends and week-nights were spent drinking myself silly and spending money I didn't have on anything that would give me a quick happy fix. I had absolutely no idea who I was or who I was turning into but I didn't care because it all felt irrelevant. If I could get through the day then I could get through the week, then the year, then the next three years and I'd be back home and I wouldn't have any issues anymore. I made it through five months before I first decided that actually all I really wanted to do was die.

The first few weeks it was just thoughts. It would be so much easier to just get hit by a car. Everyone would be so much happier if I just went away. Mam would have so much less stress if I just stopped fucking up.

After the thoughts went, the actions came. I took every opportunity to hurt myself without making it seem like I was responsible. I undercooked my meals. I pressed too hard with my razor in the shower. Once, I threw myself down the stairs and then got angry when my reflexes kicked in and my body protected itself.

One night, on a whim after a party, I decided to just do it. I raided the cupboards and took all the painkillers I could find. I went to hospital because a good friend found me in a bad way a few hours later. The next month I did the same thing, but with weight loss pills and sleeping tablets, and woke up again in the same hospital feeling like an utter failure because I couldn't even kill myself properly. I was so out of touch with the world and my own reality that, at that time, I couldn't see that I'd been given a second and third chance at life.

I don't believe in God but I thank him every day that I didn't die when I thought I was supposed too. I pinch myself when I realise how lucky I am to have seen my brother get married, my friends have children and my Mam boss every situation that she's ever found herself in. I sometimes can't get over how privileged I am to get to live the life I live now. I have a degree, I live with my best friends and I get to do a job that I really love. Growing up all I ever wanted was to feel safe and to be a decent person. I'm now surrounded by people that call me out on my bullshit day in and day out and they do it with so much love that it's almost impossible not to feel consumed by it all. There is no 'getting better' until you talk to people about how you feel. There is no quick fix. Even now seven years on I still have periods of time where I wonder if I'm okay. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll be dealing with my mental health issues for the rest of my life. I've also come to terms with the fact that ultimately, I am responsible for myself and in turn responsible for the people that I care about. For so long I was desperate to be a victim of circumstance, but with age, time and a little bit of maturity I'm now focused on making my experience worthwhile. If anyone needs help then I'm here, and if I'm not enough then I can at least point you in a safe direction to get help. We are all so worth it.

Please let's everyone look after each other. If you would've met me at 20 I would've done your head in. I was obnoxiously loud and seemed absolutely self obsessed, but I was completely dying inside. I am so glad to be here. I have so much to offer the world. And whatever your circumstances may be, I believe wholeheartedly that you do too.

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