Trigger warning: baby loss

6th December 2022, our worlds changed forever. 

We were at our 12 week scan for our first and much wanted pregnancy. Excited, nervous and in blissful ignorance for what’s to come, the sonographer turned to us and said: “there are two in there!” I bolted upright, in disbelief and simply replied “you are joking?” As shocked as we were, I did have a feeling…

After getting over the initial surprise, that day is, and always will be, one of the proudest, most defining and happiest days of my life. 

At 16 weeks, we found out Twin A was a little girl and Twin B a little boy. It was such a special feeling - we still couldn’t believe it. 

Sadly for us, our pregnancy didn’t continue on this trajectory. Twin B, who is our beautiful miracle son George, continued to grow and be healthy. We are so grateful for that. Unfortunately, Twin A, our equally beautiful Millie, didn’t make it. She died just over half way through the pregnancy. 

The pain and trauma around her death is still very hard to process, let alone come to terms with. I carried my boy and my girl for the entire pregnancy, delivering them pre-term in May last year. Everyday throughout my pregnancy I was faced with questions like “are you having a girl or a boy?” or “you must be so excited to have your baby now?” All totally innocent things to say to a pregnant woman -  but for me it was so much more complicated than that. Most people I came across didn’t know what was behind my forced smile or made up responses. I was half oven and half coffin. I was preparing for my son’s birth whilst also thinking which songs might be appropriate for my daughter’s cremation service. I was imagining rocking my son to sleep, as well as holding my daughter’s coffin.  A literal walking and talking tale of two halves. My mental health was at risk.

Baby loss is something that isn’t spoken enough about. This is an huge shame, given that 1 in 4 pregnancies sadly end in loss. Talking about Millie through therapy has been absolutely crucial for my recovery and I am so grateful for Petals who have given both Ben and I the opportunity to find amazing counsellors, who have offered us the time and space to grieve our daughter, whilst also giving us the strength to celebrate our son. Without therapy, as well as love and support from family and friends, there is no way we could be the parents we are to George today. Sadly we’re the lucky ones. So many people suffer baby loss and have nowhere to turn. Support is limited on the NHS, so charities like Petals need to exist so that those affected can grieve and heal. 

After a difficult start to motherhood due to pre-eclampsia, a premature delivery, a stint in two different neonatal intensive care units and facing the trauma of meeting and then saying goodbye to Millie, I am pleased to say George, Ben and I are all now doing well. My days are filled with utter joy and that is down to our little legend of a boy. However, I am also still struggling from the emotional trauma and heartbreak from my pregnancy and birth. There isn’t a single day where we do not grieve Millie and what should have been. We wish with every part of us that she could still be here. 

George occupies all my time and energy, and rightly so. However, I also now want to give some deserved time to my daughter, so I’ll be running the London Landmarks Half Marathon on 7th April in her memory. Training for a half marathon isn’t easy with a baby and I have never run close to this distance before. However,  it’s the least I can do to mark our amazing baby girl and to raise money so that no parent has to suffer baby loss in silence. 

Millie Marie, Twin A, our daughter and George’s twin sister - we love you and we miss you. This is for you.

Thank you for reading my story.

Love,

Michelle xxx 

We are Petals, the baby loss counselling charity. The specialist counselling service that we provide is life-changing for parents who have suffered the devastating loss of a pregnancy or death of a baby. We know that these tragic experiences not only result in grief but also in trauma. Our wonderful counsellors are there to help our clients navigate their grief and trauma and to guide them to a place of hope. Supporting this challenge you will be helping us to deliver more vital counselling sessions to bereaved parents when they need us.