My Story

I probably won't be able to write this without crying, as it's still very raw for me.

In march 2013 I found out I was pregnant and was over the moon but then in the same week I was told I had grade 3 agressive breast cancer and it was genetic, I was told to terminate my pregnancy as I'd be putting my own life at risk,  and I was in great danger of getting worse and they wouldn't be able to treat me as they could only use certain drugs as I was pregnant and I could die. They also said that i could loose the baby when I had surgery or the anesetic could stop the baby developing and the baby could be deformed and that because I was very early pregnant I should terminate the pregnancy otherwise my family could be left with out me or the baby. My family were very upset about this especially my mum as she didn't want to loose me, but they stuck by me and my decision in fear of loosing me. I told the Doctors I would not terminate my pregnancy, even though I was very early on I couldn't do it and I decided what will be will be.

My pregnancy was going great and I got to 20 weeks and was over the moon, I had 5 more weeks and then I new my baby would be safe because if I went into early labour or if I had to have a c-section to get the baby out I new they would treat the baby. I was still worried sick though as my chemo started when I was 20wks pregnant and I was scared I could loose my baby. Chemo was hard made me really I'll and very tired but I still went to work when I could. I ended up in hospital with dehydration and it was the most horrible time as when they checked the baby they couldn't hear the heartbeat I was left devastated, it felt like hours till a doctor come and checked and she found it, I cried I was so happy my baby was ok. My hair started to fall out when I was 24 weeks pregnant I was devistated, I was young and expecting my first baby and I should of been looking great but I felt awful and lost so much confidence, my sister shaved my head for me as loosing my hair was to stressful for me so I decided to shave it, we both cried so hard it was devastating for both of us. I had a really hard time during my pregnancy as my relashionship started to brake down to, which was really hurting with everything I was going through that hurt the most, I was dealing with cancer, pregnancy and a break up and when I look back I don't no how I did it, most people couldn't deal with one.

I made it past 25 weeks so I felt more confident about my baby being ok, all the scans and appointments were positive to which was great, it was awful having to live each day in fear that i could loose my baby.  My pregnancy was induced early and I had a horrible labour it lasted four days and during labour there was a lot of complications that were life threatening such as heavy bleeding so I had to have 3 pints of blood transfused and a very high tempriature, graces heartbeat was also raised. Everything luckily was ok and I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, she was a little mirricle and the name we picked really did suit her 'Grace' my amazing little grace, she had made it and was in my arms I was an emotional wreck. At first grace was very ill she had a life threatening illness called NEC and she also suffered a brain bleed, she was admitted to neonatal Intensive care. I spent everyday at the hospital with grace from 7am till 9pm I didn't leave her side. After a lot of care from the nurses 6 weeks later grace was better and was aloud home, I was overwhelmed.

My chemo started again and I had 3 cycles, it was hard and made me very sick but I didn't let it stop me i had a beautiful baby girl and nothing was going to stop me caring for her, I had a lot of  support and help from my family and friends if I needed it but I never asked for it as I wanted to do everything myself, that way if anything did happen to me I knew I did my best by her for as long as I could.  At the end of the 3 cycles I was over the moon and waiting for surgery, I was having a double masectomy and rebuild, but I had a massive set back my cancer come back really bad, they were right having grace did make the cancer worse but also the upset and stress from everything I had been through, relationship breakdown, cancer and pregnancy, it had all made me worse by instead of me being strong to fight the cancer I was too weak and run down so the cancer spread like wild fire. I asked my doctor how bad it was and what my chances were and he said I was seriously ill the cancer was really aggressive and he didn't no, but in nice words, he said I needed to pull myself together and he'd do everything he could and they put me on a new treatment. I was devistated and so scared I might not see my little girl grow up and I was in pieces. Christmas was a very hard time for me, my relationship had finally ended in November and I was let down by a lot of people. It was my first Christmas with my daughter as a mum and could have also been my last, I was left devistated. I picked myself up and pulled myself together and I fort really hard as nothing was going to take me away from my precious daughter, there was no way I was going to leave her without her mummy, I fort through cancer for her to be here and I'll carry on fighting though cancer to stay with her. The bond I have with my daughter is out of this world, people say that babies don't no what's going on but I don't believe that's true as the days I felt my worst grace would turn them around and make them my best and days, days I'll cherish forever because she would smile for the first time, talk to me, giggle / laugh, roll over and sit up, she also sticks her tongue out being cheeky which always makes me smile, she's the best and I love her dearly, more then words could ever explain. 

Over the last few months I've had 4 sessions of the new treatment and it was great it didn't make sick and my hairs come back but most of all it's worked, not only did it shrink the cancer but it's killed it so I'm over the moon. Recently I was able to have my surgery (removal of cancer & double masectomy) which was successful and I have recovered extremely well it's amazing how much strength Grace has given me because I'm doing great and I owe her my life. My next steps are to have no more chemotherapy but now move on to radiotherapy and that starts soon. I'm very positive as I've done so well and I will not let this beat me, I'm completely focused on me and grace and I will not leave her without her mummy, I have already been through hell, so not only will I survive, I'll win! 

Last year was the worst year if my life and I learnt a lot of lessons, but this year has taken a turn for the best and I couldn't be happier, I'm planning my future with the most beautiful little girl and me and grace are looking forward to spending precious time with each other as well as family and friends. 

Me and my nearest and dearest are doing this walk for everyone who has cancer, who's beaten cancer and who has lost there lives to cancer and also because my illness is genetic and a lot of people carry the gene, my daughter has a chance to inherit my gene, I pray to god she doesnt but there is a chance, so I want to raise money to help cancer research as in 16 yrs time when Grace is tested hopefully things are developed a lot more and there could be quite possibably a cure for this nasty horrible disease, a cure that does not cause pain to the person who has cancer and for the family and friends. 

xx

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