I have struggled with food my whole life which apart from talking to 1 or 2 people recently has been a hidden journey. 

Eating to the point you think you might just choke on the food and die is a horrible thing to do. . . And it's something I have done many a time!  People who think binge eating disorder is maybe having a few two many chocolate bars or something really don't understand the extremity of it.  Although I have binged in hiding since a child it's only been the past couple of years I have aknowledged it's not just me. . . I am not broken. . . I am not faulty. . . I am not alone with this and have been trying to really work out why I do it and break free from it.  I have had lots of counselling privately to help this along with trying self help things in a bid to understand it all.  I think the next step for me is opening up to everyone.  I feel it's a bit like ripping a plaster off I just need to do it.   Obviously people have seen the outside of me . . . The loosing lots of weight then while going through counselling which was essential. . . I piled it back on. . . . And now my bid to loose it again but this time with a much much healthier relationship with food!   Being in a cycle of binging. . . Trying to purge but failing which makes you feel like a even more useless human. .  . Then trying to starve to cancel out the binge. . .is a nightmare cycle to be in.   And all that is without the added issue of worrying about what people think of you! At times it's enough to mean I don't go out to do things that I really want to do. 

I have kept running through out of all this though obviously it's a damm site harder when you top over 17 stone which is where I was at my last marathon in February. I have lost 2 and a half stone since then touch wood in a healthy way but the struggle with food and the relationships with food and exercise is a constant daily battle for me. Some times a huge mountain size battle. Sometimes I feel I am winning sometimes I most definitely feel I am loosing. It can be exhausting.  

It's not a good thing to look at people who have anorexia or bulimia and be jealous as that just seems the simple solution (obviously I know deep down we are all in the same boat and it absolutely isn't the answer ) . Or to look at someone with a alcohol issue and wish that upon yourself as a swap. . .as at least alcohol is easier to not have in your house?  Again not the solution I know. But that is what having a eating disorder does it makes you think about things differently. 

  Doing a ultra marathon like this is something new for me. I have achieved 50 miles once before but that was in a 24 hour event and I walked the entire thing. With the luxury of being back at the base every 5 miles as it was a lapped event. . . But don't underestimate how hard walking that far is. . . It broke me!   Peddars way ultra is 48 miles in a 12 hour cut off!  With limited time to train for it I know it's not going to be easy but hopefully with the help of a few helpful fellow running friends it's a target I can make. . . If I can raise money for a charity that helps others like myself along the way then every step I take will have added fuel!  Please help me raise a few pennies and donate no matter how small the donation it adds up.   

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