There was a time in my life when running a marathon would not only have been physically impossible but very dangerous. And whilst I have been recovered for years, I still frequently wish I could go back and show my teenage self that it does get better and that there is so much worth fighting for. To my 13-year-old self, and to anyone else suffering from an eating disorder, please know, you are not alone, recovery is possible, and help is out there. 

I have spent weeks thinking about how much of 'my story' I wanted to share in the name of raising money for Beat (the UK's eating disorder charity), and I quickly realized that running a marathon is a lot less scary than sharing something I have hidden for so long. I know I am not alone,  in fact, I don't think I know anyone who doesn't have a story about how their own or someone they love's disordered eating has affected their lives. But the tragic truth about eating disorders is that those suffering often do so in silence, shame, and isolation. And recovery is a fragile balancing act where you will fall. I did. Many times. 

I was diagnosed with Anorexia at just 13. It was my older sister Allison that first knew something was wrong. Very wrong. I will spare everyone the depressing details, and truth be told, a lot of the details I don't really remember. Not because I was 13 but because the disease stops you from living. Memories and emotions are intrinsically linked. Your strongest memories are the ones with the strongest emotions. Anorexia numbs everything. I couldn't feel, I couldn't experience, I couldn't live enough to create strong memories. I lived in a clouded haze where my undernourished mental space was completely occupied with counting calories, exercising every possible moment, evading detection, and holding the pain at arm's length. Yes, Anorexia has a pretty shocking physical manifestation, but the real pain lies in the broken relationships with your family, friends, and with yourself. 

This is why relapse is almost so inevitable. When you first try to recover, the pain and shame of what you have done to yourself, and your relationships, can become overwhelming and the easy solution is to go numb again. This painful recovery process for me took me many many years, and all through which I was not a daughter, sister, or friend - but a patient. At 18, I was weight restored, stable, and went to university. However, during my first and second years, I made some poor decisions and the all too familiar disordered thoughts welcomed me back with open arms. This is where I first came into contact with the amazing charity for which I am raising money. It was a university counselor that pointed me in their direction, and I could not be more grateful.

My story however painful to talk about is not unusual. Beat's 24/7 helplines picked up the phone for me and thousands of others. They reminded me that I am not alone, and that help is out there. Shame and guilt are eating disorders' secret weapons to keep you from getting help, and you can't Beat them alone, and thanks to this amazing charity- I and thousands of others didn't have to. 

I am now 26, twice the age at which I first struggled with disordered eating. I am recovered and I am living, making memories, and feeling all the wonderful emotions life has to offer. It would mean the world to me if you would help me support this amazing charity and all the people they help. 

"Beat is the UK's eating disorders charity. We exist to end the pain and suffering caused by eating disorders. We are a champion, guide, and friend to anyone affected, giving individuals experiencing an eating disorder and their loved ones a place where they feel listened to, supported, and empowered. We predict 1.25 million people are affected by these serious mental illnesses. Eating disorders can be deeply isolating for the people affected by them. Our online support groups and training for carers allow people to talk to others with similar experiences, helping them to feel less alone with their eating disorders. We run phone and email helplines 365 days a year for anyone who needs us. Often when people get in touch it's the first time they've voiced their concerns about themselves or a loved one".