April 2014 was the morning i found out i was pregnant and the morning i stopped my anti depressant citalopram. There was tears but not of happiness but fear of having hyperemesis gravidarum a condition that i suffered when i was pregnant with my daughter. Its servere sickness that leads to weight loss and dehydration. The first few weeks i was happy but then the sickness started. I started to feel down and realised i wanted an abortion. The doctors refused and said i was very down from the sudden stop of medication and the sickness wasnt helping. I felt i was made to continue but to this day i'm very glad i was. The rest of the pregnancy was horrible and the day i gave birth i was excited to feel happy and normal again but that was never to come.
When my son was born i cried, smiled and loved him. But something was missing like the rush of major love and that clicking bond right away. In the hospital i sat looking at him like whats wrong with me and why arent you happy? I kepted saying look at him!!! Hes your's!! When i got home i had to tell myself to keep picking him up and give him love. I forced myself to breast feed to get a bond with him. But i honestly didnt get that bond. I thought i was such a bad mother and hated myself. Weeks went by and my health visitor picked up on my behaviour and started to tell me about postntal depression. I felt like i just ticked all the boxes. The doctors suggested going back onto citalopram and i agreed right away. They referred me to the Bluebell service at Tom Allan for baby massage and counselling. I had hope i was going to feel better.
The baby massage was fantastic and i loved how it started to give me a bond with my son. I never wanted the class to end as it made me so happy. But then i'd go home and it was like i was alone again. I would sit and cry in my room alone and started to scratch my arm out of hatered of myself. I thought i was a bad mum and person so i needed to punish myself. The pain and heart break i felt inside was so hard and lonely. But why was i lonley i had family and friends!! April came i got a place for counselling and i was so happy. Finally i could vent and tell someone how i felt inside. My son would use the creche for an hour and the ladies always relaxed me before leaving him. He enjoyed every moment of the creche. The counselling hour for me was like heaven. My own little hide away to just be me. The room was lovely and the counsellor was always supportive. The tears and smiles that was shared i will never forget.
In september my postnal depression reched its peek and i snapped. I took an overdose as i no longer wanted to be here. I felt that my life would be better if i was dead. Of course i would miss my kids and family but i suffered that much inside. The tourtue i had dealt with inside was so strong. Thankful i was fine and was changed medication right away. The support from my counsellor and health visitor at that time was fantastic and i will be forever grateful. I often wonder where i would be without the Bluebell service.
Febuary this year i stopped my counselling because i was ready to go it on my own. I feel so much happier and brighter than i have in 2 years. Its being a long road but i couldnt have done it without the Bluebell service. You came into my life at the hardest time and turned it back into something beautiful. I will always be thankful and anything i can do to give back i will. Myself and my son will miss our Monday mornings but we are now happy. Thank you for making me smile again.
Thank you to my husband, family and bestfriend Alison. If it wasnt for your support aswell i would have struggled. I love you all.
Tom Allan Bluebell Service Glasgow
They provide counselling (free of charge) for parents affected by ante/post natal depression & Anxiety on a 1:1 basis, as couples and group therapy. They also have a specialist Baby Massage service for which they accept direct referrals. Training and Consultancy is also offered to those interested in supporting families effected by PND.
2 in every 5 households in Scotland with a new baby have at least one parent who suffers from Depression or Anxiety. And around 8000 women in Scotland are diagnosed with PND every year.
Bluebell dont receive any statutory funding. As a Crossreach project they benefit from financial support which goes some way towards meeting their costs but essentially they reply on donations and the goodwill of volunteers.
They are a small charity – not as big and as popular as some charities who have a high profile and lots of volunteers and funding – but they are a charity with some stigma attached and that is why your support is really important.
Every £50 raised will enable them to provide 1 hour's free counselling with a creche place for a mother or father copying with the effects or PND.
