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I have suffered with depression and anxiety on and off over the past 15 years, and unfortunately had a relapse around 2 years ago. What followed then was severe anxiety and depression, the worst bout that I had ever experienced. Each time I thought I had hit rock bottom, I found a new low place.

I have been extremely fortunate to have been supported by my family, and a phenomenal circle of friends (you know who you are but special thanks especially to Steve and Amber who looked after me when I crash-landed at their house, Amy who has been there for me in ways that I couldn't imagine and more than I will ever know, and friends who have supported me in person and through prayer) without whom I don't know where I would have ended up. I was also extremely fortunate to have a very supportive GP, but I needed help beyond what she was able to offer and it took a long time to get support from the community mental health team.

Out of desperation I looked for help online, hoping to find that magical answer. It was then that I stumbled across Mind. I spent a lot of hours reading up on depression and anxiety. There was lots of advice on how to discuss mental health problems in medical appointments and how to share struggles with family and friends. Reading about the experiences of others on the website made me realise that I'm not alone in my struggles despite how isolating they are, and that the issues I have are more common than I had realised.

In that place of desperation I found two things that were invaluable for me. One was the 'I need urgent help' section. This is something that I have gone to a number of times when I have been at my lowest, usually in the middle of the night, and in those dark moments it gave me comfort to know that there was relevant help and advice available. The other was 'Elefriends.' The online community gave me support and a place where I could safely share how I was feeling honestly with no fear of judgement. The moderators were great in terms of checking in to make sure I was safe, keeping me talking to calm me down, signposting to online resources and even offering to contact the emergency services on my behalf.

I tried so hard to carry on at work, and hide everything that was going on from my family, as I was so scared that they would be disappointed in me or that I would give them something else to worry about. After a rapid escalation of things over the course of a week, I crash landed and admitted that I needed help quickly. 

I was admitted to hospital and I was in there for 4 months, trying to stabilise, which involved various combinations of medications, psychological and art therapies and general support from the nurses and health care assistants on the ward. I was extremely privileged to have met some lovely people on the ward, and I have made some lasting friendships.it was so freeing to be able to talk with people who were going through the same thing, meaning that I didn't have to keep my game face on.

Mind's resources and information about the Mental Health Act, and other legislation and policies, and the info line have been invaluable to me, and took a lot of fear out of being honest with professionals about how unwell I had become.

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Jump forward, I was eventually discharged from hospital after 4 months. I had been out for no more than 36 hours when I had to go for an outpatient appointment. Whilst my dad was signing us in I had a seizure and hit my head hard on the concrete floor. I came round to see paramedics, a lot of talking and a lot of emotion. My memory of this period is very patchy and I've needed a lot of help to fill in some of the gaps. It transpired that when I fell I had fractured my skull on the right hand side, and suffered a haemorrhage on the left. My consultant was certain that it was the seizure that had caused the fall rather than the other way around. I was diagnosed with epilepsy at this time and I spent another 10 days in hospital while they tried to get my seizures under control. I'm still dealing with the effects of the brain injury and that's going to take time and a lot of work to recover some of the functions that I've lost. This has had an effect on my mental health, and with help I am on a journey towards a place of mental wellbeing.

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Thank you if you've made it this far. 

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to everyone who has supported me over the past year. It has been hard; at times it has been overwhelming, horrific and unbearable. But I have been surrounded by people who have helped more than I will ever know, and there is no way on Earth that I could have managed without them. Thank you so much to you all xxx

I got a ballot place in the 2018 London Marathon and I ran the distance for the first time. In training I discovered that running could reduce my anxiety and give me back a level of headspace. On those days I could be on edge, run and come back in a calmer state. I completed that Marathon in 2018 (believe me no-one was more surprised than I was) and knew that I wanted to continue running, and I wanted to raise money for the charity that had helped me, and remains very close to my heart. I know first hand how valuable the work that Mind do is, and I want to support them to continue their work, and continues to support people to learn more and to get the right help at the right time. 

I think my experiences have made me want to join the fight to challenge the stigma around mental health conditions. I'd kept mine secret for far too long, and if by sharing my story encourages just one person to admit that they are struggling and seek help, then that is one person more who has taken that step to reach out. I am running the London Marathon 2019 for Mind as a way to raise money, and to help the cause to encourage more openness about mental health.

Beth xxx

Fundraising target: £2000

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