As a little girl, I played with dolls and imagined what it would be like having a family of my own one day. I had always known that I wanted to have a baby, and as many girls do, I had names picked out and loved looking at cute little baby outfits. In June 2015 a few of my friends had recently had babies, but it wasn't really on my radar and I was busy packing for a holiday to Ibiza, I was working through my luggage checklist, towels- tick, bikini-tick, tampons ??? It dawned on me that I was probably more than a few days late but I didn't think much of it. I mentioned it to my partner Mike who popped to the chemist 'just incase'. I can remember the pure fear as I waited for the result, I thought Mike was joking when he said it was positive but upon inspection, there it was, a big fat positive. I could barely believe it but 10 positive tests (and about £30) later, I guess I was actually pregnant! A wave of pure fear and anxiety swept over me, we aren't ready for a baby I thought, We live in a 1 bedroom flat, we have no space! I think we sat in silence for a while and then, once it had sunk in, I had an overwhelming feeling of excitement and love. It's so hard to keep it a secret and we told our parents and close friends, put our flat up for sale and off we went for our holiday to Ibiza. 

I must admit, holidays aren't as fun when you are pregnant, the cocktails looked delicious as did the cheese and deli meats that were in the restaurant everyday, I couldn't go on the water slides or stay out in the sun too long but I had a bond with this unborn baby already and I wasn't going to do anything to put him/her at risk.

We flew back from Ibiza on 17th June 2015 and had an early pregnancy scan booked for 19th June. I woke up so nervous and excited. I lay on the bed whilst the sonographer put the cold gel on to my belly and I watched the screen in anticipation, but I couldn't really see much. The sonographer asked if I was sure that I was as far along as I thought, and then explained that she could see the sac but was struggling to see a baby. She booked another appointment for 2 weeks to check the growth. I remember leaving the room and feeling like my world was crashing down around me, within a few hours I started to bleed, very very heavily and the following day the hospital confirmed that I had suffered an early miscarriage.
I felt broken and defeated, but it made me realise that we were so ready for a baby.

We started actually trying for a baby in September 2015 and in October I was so shocked that I had actually caught pregnant again. This time I didn't have the fear and anxiety of 'we aren't ready' but I did have the fear that something was going to go wrong. I'm usually a very positive person but in this instance I could only think negatively and it was eating me up. The doctor sent me for an early scan at 9 weeks as I had a few stomach pains, the sonographer turned the screen and there I saw a tiny jellybean growing in my belly. I couldn't believe it, I was so so ecstatic! In December 2015 I was around 11 weeks pregnant and booked a private scan so that we could get some photos to give as presents to our parents. The familiar feeling of that cold gel on my belly and the excitement of seeing our baby on the screen, I could see him/her again but the look on the sonographers face looked stern and concerned 'I'm so sorry' she said 'I can't find a heart beat'.

No no no, everything came crashing down, there was a knot in my throat, I could barely get my words out as I scurried out of the room and broke down at the wheel of my car. I drove to my mums and cried in her arms.

On Christmas Eve night 2015, I misscarried our 2nd baby over a 6 hour period. I was further along this time and the pain was excruciating, I sat in a bath for hours and spent Christmas heartbroken and exhausted.

Google, is a great great tool but should definitely be avoided for medical use. I used it repeatedly. Why was it happening to me? Do I have something wrong with me? Am I ever going to be able to carry my own child?

At this point, I called the miscarriage association and spoke to a lovely calming lady who made me feel very relaxed, listened to my worries and explained to me that around 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. This statistic shocked me so much as the majority of people around me seemed to be having successful pregnancies. I have since met a number of people who have suffered with miscarriage but unfortunately the subject is still quite 'taboo' and therefore when you go through it, you feel like the only one. The support of the miscarriage association really helped with my mindset during that time.

I had some tests done through the doctor which found no underlying issues but I was advised to take a lose dose of aspirin daily during any future pregnancies.

New Years 2016, we were surrounded by friends and I remember Mike whispering to me, this will be our year. I couldn't help but have a massive doubt in my head.

In June 2016, I had my third positive pregnancy test. To be honest, I didn't have that excited feeling this time,
I just felt full of fear. I struggled to be my usual positive self and I think I just mentally prepared myself for disappointment. I pretty much cut myself off for a number of weeks (that was also partly down to the horrendous morning sickness as well). Our 12 week scan came around and the familiar feeling of the cold gel on my belly, this time there was a baby staring back at me from the screen, heart fluttering away. I could barely believe my eyes, my baby was ok and growing perfectly. With a bit of patience and perseverance and a hell of a lot of tears, pain and heart break our little girl arrived safely in 3/3/2017 at 9:16am.

When you suffer a miscarriage, you feel like you are the only person going through it, it is hard on your partner and family and friends and nobody really knows the right thing to say as they are hurting too. In the darkest times when I would only listen to a select few people, the miscarriage association were on the other end of the phone to listen and help me, they made me realise I wasn't the only one and that things would be ok.

Now that I have safely grown and delivered my baby girl, I really want to break the silence behind miscarriage. I would like to do something extreme to raise money for the miscarriage association. My plan is to do a sky dive to raise money for the miscarriage association. Any donations would be very much appreciated so they can continue their research in to the causes of miscarriage and hopefully preventions! Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving - they'll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they'll send your money directly to the charity. So it's the most efficient way to donate - saving time and cutting costs for the charity.