As most of my amazing family know, and also my wonderful friends and colleagues, on the 26.12.19 our whole life was turned upside down when mine and my husband James' 3rd baby boy, Franky, was born our beautiful sleeping angel. 

Heres a little background about our story. 

This was our 3rd pregnancy, slightly unexpected but most certainly a wanted pregnancy,  from the moment I got a positive test that was it for me - the mummy instinct kicked in immediately, as had been the case with my previous pregnancies.  I knew from that very moment just how much I would love this little baby, each baby is a blessing and I was just so excited to become a mummy for the 3rd time. 

My pregnancy was straightforward although classed as high risk due to 2 previous emergency cesarean sections everything went so smoothly.  I worked as long as I could, I felt so well and James,  our 2 boys,-Brody and Tyler and myself were getting more excited about our babys arrival every day.

In July 2019, we found out we were having a little boy-  not really a surprise for us as in our family it seems that boys are all we make- my parents have 9 grandsons now between my brother, sister and me with not a granddaughter in sight. 

Life carried on, our sons would often watch my belly as our baby kicked around, or listen to my bump saying they could hear him in there. It really was such an amazing time and I treasure each memory, if I close my eyes I can go right back to those special moments, just wishing we could go back in time to change what lay ahead for us. 

As mentioned previously, my pregnancy was going so well, obviously I had the odd worry here and there but nothing that would indicate that things could go so tragically wrong. 

We celebrated Christmas Day,  I felt uncomfortable and a little out of sorts, but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary, late stage of pregnancy as many women can understand is rather exhausting and uncomfortable at the best of times. I was booked for an elective section on 30.12.19 and had been reassured that all seemed well, being told to wait until labour started and to just rest. After waking on Boxing Day, I felt more concerned that something was amiss.  I was due to attend the hospital for my pre-op assessment later that day. After making a phone call to the unit in the morning, I informed the staff that my baby hadn't moved much and was told to tell them at 2pm when I arrived for my appointment.  

 At this point in the hospital at just after 2pm, as James sat at the foot of the bed it was there our lives changed forever.  The general chit chat with the midwife soon became a living nightmare. As she placed the monitoring onto my stomach it was clear to me at that point that our lives were about to be completely turned upside down. She could not find our babys heartbeat.  An ultrasound machine was brought to the bed area,  the tension was too much to take in. 

The screen showed heartbreakingly, our baby lay there lifeless, no fluttering , no movement- there was no flicker of life, just stillness. Completely devastating we learnt our beautiful baby boys little heart had stopped beating. The hospital staff never said the words, I just knew.  There are no words for the moments that followed and the way we felt at this time. The shock was too much,  I was hyperventilating and my chest was so tight I thought I'd die too, in some ways part of me did.  It was a living  nightmare, I felt so numb. I was sure I was going to wake up from this moment in my bed  whilst my baby kicked from within, but of course this was never going to happen. My baby had died. He'd slipped away from life without even taking his first breath, without ever opening his beautiful eyes or seeing his mummy's face. Without seeing his daddy, brothers and all our families. His life had been snatched away before it had even begun.

I can't possibly explain in words how Franky's death has impacted us. The loss of a loved one is always so painful, we've lost many along our journey, but the lifeless body of our baby held tightly in my arms, snuggled so close but so cold will stay with us forever. He was just so perfect and beautiful, I just stared at him all the time, absorbing every little detail. Its so hard trying to accept the reality that our baby has left us, we would do anything to turn back time and have him safely in our arms growing into the beautiful little human I know he would have been. All the hopes and dreams I had as an expectant  mother just gone, the plans of going from a family of 4 to 5 just ripped away from us in the cruelest of ways. Life as we knew it has been changed forever. 

After Franky was delivered,  James and myself spent 48 hours in the butterfly room with him, reading stories, singing songs, holding him so tight, changing him, all the things you would do if you have a live baby, but tragically ours wasn't.  Explaining what had happened to our older boys, only 5 and 4 at the time was just unbelievably painful, the look on their little faces hearing their baby had gone to heaven is just to much to bear. And then the day arrived when we had to leave the hospital-walking out there with no baby was unbelievably excruciating. Seeing all the expectant mums in the dimly lit corridor whislt James had to practically carry me out, my abdomen aching because of my surgery but my heart was the heaviest pain to bear.  Spending 9 months nurturing and protecting our baby, this was a million miles from how I expected it to be.

Our families and so many friends have been absolutely amazing,  I'm so grateful for all the messages and support that we have received.  Its overwhelming how many amazing people we know, and I thank every single person from the bottom of my heart. A bereavement midwife and support worker reached out and supported me in a time I felt I couldn't go on-  there are just no words to express my gratitude to them. 

Almost 10 months on and we still don't have a definitive answer as to what our baby died of, hopefully one day we will get our answers. But for now all we can do is get through each day, together,  surviving and by somehow finding a way to carry on with life without our little Franky.  Its just as painful now as in those early days, the loss of Franky has been huge, our boys miss their baby brother so much. We talk about him always, imagining what type of things he would or wouldn't like, what colour his eyes are, would he have been smiley or sulky.  All of this we will never know, but we will do everything possible to keep Franky's memory alive by talking about him and looking at pictures of him! After all he is our 3rd baby bear, and even though he was taken far too soon I'll always be so proud that he was mine. 

I want to help by trying to raise awareness for others who find themselves in a similar position to us, so this is why have I decided to do a skydive. Not only in the memory of our beautiful baby boy Franky, but to raise money for Sands who are an amazing charity helping bereaved families and raising awareness of baby loss. 

Thank you so much for reading my story, please share and if possible we would be so grateful of any donations.  

Sands supports anyone affected by the death of a baby, works in partnership with health professionals to try to ensure that bereaved parents and families receive the best possible care and funds research that could help to reduce the numbers of babies dying and families devastated by this tragedy.