Most of you know me as a friend, a husband, a dad, a relative, a work colleague, a gym buddy, generally a happy go lucky ‘normal guy’…I don’t look physically injured, but mental health is invisible, male suicide claims the lives of approximately three quarters of all suicides in the UK since the mid 90s.

It’s time to talk, it is time to break the stigma.

As a male growing up we are taught that ‘being brave’ is fighting, holding in our emotions, not crying and not being scared. Yet the bravest thing a man can do is ‘talk’, talk about your feelings, reach out for help and fucking cry if you want too.

I finally see myself as a survivor, strong and brave, I’m not a victim.

You see, from as young as I can remember, I have been scared, confused, hurt, angry, numb, sad. I am a survivor of abuse, I was abused through the whole of my childhood, from as young as I can remember till I was old enough to be able to say no, by somebody I trusted and should have looked after me. Yet I couldn’t speak out, I couldn’t ask for help, I buried the pain deep, my childhood was chaotic and unstable.

This all came to a point last year when I was spiralling, trying to push the screaming inside my head as deep down as I could, but the voices were dragging me down, I wanted it all to stop, I couldn’t face the pain anymore, I couldn’t see a way out. But I am so glad I reached out and finally spoke to my wife, those first few days and weeks were the hardest I have ever faced in my life.

Lucy dragged me to the surface with the help of emergency counselling, I do not know how she even coped with me, it was hell and I was a nightmare, having a newborn baby herself, she had to shoulder all my pain. I was suffocating, Lucy became my float, the pain was raw for both of us, I reverted to a child myself and couldn’t face her being out of my sight, my inner child needed her, needed that safety and comfort I should have received all of those years ago. The talking was painful and distressing, the flood of memories floored me every day.

But suddenly I found my voice, each day seemed brighter, I felt lighter, talking was stripping me of the weights that were holding me down for 30 years. As each month passed I felt ‘braver’ I wanted to keep talking and I didn’t want to stop talking, every family member I have told, every friend, every police officer, makes me feel free.

I have finally gained control of my life.

It wasn’t easy and I am deeply scarred, not having a ‘normal’ childhood has meant being unable to connect with family that do love me, being able to ‘feel loved’ is tough and I do not have that strong foundation that every child deserves. 

Some days can be a battle, but I am here and I am talking and nobody will ever stop me talking again.

Abuse can happen to anyone, I am ‘that normal guy’ that says hi to you at the gym, that you walk past in the street, that you went to school with, that you work with, that is your friend. Be kind always, you never know what somebody is facing. I thank my lucky stars every day that I grew up with friends that were always there for me with their houses and their ‘normal family lives’ to escape too. That I met my wife, who gave me endless love and stability, that I have been blessed with the most incredible children that I always make sure feel loved and safe every day.

My truth will not destroy me, the power is with me.

If you have read this far, thank you. I will not stop talking and raising awareness, I am determined to raise as much money as I can to provide support for those kids that are finally brave enough to start talking.

You are alive, you are loved, you are worthy, your abuse does not define you.

If you have any spare funds in these tough times to donate, please do, I have signed up to jump out of a plane on the 1st of October and I am keen to collaborate with events to raise as much money and awareness as possible, so if anyone has any ideas, please get in touch.

Let nobody ever be forced into silence, men keep talking, let’s break the stigma. The bravest men are the ones that can speak their truths…even if it does take awhile.