Right, here's the caper.

As it happens, I know a few people who either were, or who have had, premature babies and from what I hear it's about as fun as a ten-stretch dahn Wandswuf.  So I says to the Bliss gang, I says, let's settle this one East End style.  You sort out helping the babies and the parents, and I'll take care of the dough.  Everybody's happy, right?  And they said nah.  They said just raising the cash wasn't good enough.  I had to EARN the cash, and earn it in sweat, tears and excessive banana consumption.

So then they made me an offer I couldn't refuse.  And they showed me some photos that made me sweat bullets.  Photos of bicycles.  And unrelenting hills.  And men's lycra clad rear ends bobbing up and down in front of me.  "See that?" they said.  "That's what your future looks like.  And if you want it ever to end you'd better come up with some proper lolly."  And next thing I remember I woke up in the bins out the back of Nando's with a jersey number for the Prudential RideLondon 100 and a pair of impractical shoes.

My name is down, there's no backing out of the job now. There aren't even any bent officials on the inside to make it easy on me in return for a cheeky bung. I've got one hundred gruelling miles in the heat of the saahf England sun between me and freedom.

But that's not all.

Even if I finish the course on July 31st, if I don't raise enough cash by mid June the  I'm going to get the inner tube, proper.  I don't want to think what the hard geezers at Bliss will do to me if I let them down.  So help a man out, yeah, and donate a couple of pints' worth of your hard-earned to help out people whose kids are making a break before they qualify for parole, so to speak.

If you need some guidance as to a specific amount, try donating the proceeds of your last bank job, or else here's a shopping list from Bliss:

• £5 - Support for parents who get the jitters about handling a tiny baby, born at 24 weeks, which ain't even as long as what Dave the Chimp got for cheeking the police back in the sixties.

• £10 - Information pack for parents who are taking a baby home with an oxygen supply, like Don Luigi after he jogged over to court to say he was too ill to go to prison.

• £25 - Funds a Family Support Group meeting, helping parents to cope with babies who are struggling.  Not, sadly, for parents whose teenagers are struggling with putting down the beer and getting a job.

• £50- Pays for a specialist Bliss Nurse to help a family make the difficult transition from the neonatal unit to home after months in the slammer.  I mean hospital.

• £65 - Contributes to neonatal research that will increase the survival rates and improve the quality of life for premature and sick babies.  Incidentally, less than a box of John Player Special if you're in solitary.  Fink about that.

• £100 - Training for a Bliss volunteer to support new mums and dads in caring for their baby while in hospital.  It ain't just the patients that need the care, innit.

• £150 - Keeps the Bliss helpline running for one week, providing a lifeline to families.  Includes rental of a giant punching bag with a PPI compensation salesman drawn on it for each member of staff.

• £500 - A monkey to help a neonatal unit to deliver high quality family-centred care for premature and sick little monkeys.

Right, I'd better make meself scarce, yeah? Fink I saw some proper naughty geezers what was on the lookout for me with a big chain and some tyre levers. If anyone asks, I'm on me bike.

Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and more secure than Hatton Garden safety deposit box. JustGiving say they won't send spam or sell your details on, and I believe them, mainly because I have the director's poodle locked in my bathroom. Once you donate, they send your money directly to the charity, or Princess Fluffbunny loses her tail pom-pom.