I want to take you on a little journey which not many people actually know.

Nearly 4 years ago now I was going through a very tough time in my life where I didn’t really know where to put myself in social environments, or what to do with my life in general. Everything in my life felt like it started to spiral out of control to the point where I felt like I couldn’t control the controllable anymore. 

In the early part of 2017 there was a customer who passed away over the Christmas period who was always really bubbly, loud and all round really lovely lady. This hit me quite bad, I didn’t expect this to happen and this was the first customer I connected with to pass away.

Pretty soon after, I also lost my grandad on my dads side of the family. If I’m being honest in all fairness I wasn’t really close with my grandad. Once he died things started to turn. I started to remember the times which I spent with him, memories I will cherish dearly; I also developed a deep guilt due to me not spending much time with him, especially with him being my grandad.

Soon after this I felt like things would hopefully take a turn for the better. I started seeing someone, this developed quickly, taking me out of my comfort zone. I had actually got into my first proper relationship. 

Everything at this point is going really well until one day in April. At work I receive a message from one of my parents: our family dog had become critically unwell and had to be put to sleep. Which for anyone who loves animals, or has had a pet for a very long time, is very difficult. It feels like you’ve lost a member of your family. Very shortly after losing our family dog it, my dad’s other parent my nana passed away though the horrible disease dementia. 

This was extremely hard to take. Anyone that had the time to speak to my nana, knew how much of a lovely lady she was. I used to go round to her house every Sunday, I played with all the other cousins our age and the dogs. On Saturdays she would always get our favorite food from the Chorley market.

Thinking nothing more could or get any worse, then when you think surly no one else can leave you at this point. Well I would have been wrong because this time no one died but a few days after the funeral of my nana I received a text saying that I was being dumped from someone who I thought that I was in love with. 

This seems to be the reason that people think that I ran away to Manchester and did what I did but it’s not it’s only a contribution to the reason. 

With everything that had gone on I was completely broken didn’t really know what to do at this point. My whole life got completely turned upside down within the space of 3-4 months.

I sought help from various numbers which I was able to find online, took online surveys and even went to see my local GP. I was told that I was suffering from depression, anxiety and a bit of stress. I received a prescription for a drug called citalopram, I was told that I would have to take 2 tables a day 10mg each. This was just to help me get through my day to day life without much pressure.

At the start this seemed to make everything 10 times worse and I seemed to be going on a lot of walks isolating myself from people and seeming to be driving myself mental but thinking I was speaking to my great grandma writing notes to myself and letters. After a few weeks this seemed to die down a bit to the point I felt like I was “normal” again, so I started to skip the tablet here and there thinking everything would be hunky dory.

A few more weeks later I started a new role at work which was being an acting duty manager. On my first shift doing this role there was a few major hiccups with there being a fire in the school side of the building whilst swimming and gymnastics lessons are going one. I proceeded with the procedures with the help from staff on the day with a lot of complains from the swimming lessons parents. Later that night I made the decision that I wasn’t going to go for my usual walk around Preston docks and that in fact I would drive somewhere first to clear my head. I ended up driving somewhere near Bolton where I parked up and decided I would walk. About 10-15 minutes into my walk I turn round a corner in in some woodland area to find something dangling from a tree. So I went to look to see what it was, to me shock and horror I had stumbled upon a gentleman probably aged between 35-45 years old hanging from a tree. That night all I could see when I closed my eyes was this gentleman’s face, having to be up at 7am for work the next day stepping up into the new role again having not slept a wink on the Saturday night. 

Sunday yet again there was more problems at work that I’ve been told haven’t happened in at least 10 years basically the plant room had **** up on me massively and I had to hand dose the pool as well as try and fix the problem so for the 10 hour shift I was in the building for I’d say 7-8 of them hours was actually spent in the plant room trying to fix the problem.

At this time I was also taking up a course to become a person trainer which I found very hard going and very stressful for myself. The following day afternoon the plant room messing up I was meeting up with my Personal Training tutor as I was on with finishing my PT qualification. This meeting was to sign all my work off that I had done throughout the year and basically cross the I’s and dot the T’s. After this meeting I was going up to the Trafford centre to meet my now ex-girlfriend to do a bit of shopping as we “tried” to stay friends. She later told me that she wasn’t able to make it to the Trafford centre as one of her children wasn’t very well, so I carried on to the Trafford centre on my own. Once there I found out the real reason that I had to go on my own I just didn’t understand why they had too lie about this. At this point I started to do some things that anyone who actually know me is completely out of character and not me. I started going around the shops and taking little items from the shops and walking off without paying for them. I’m not proud of these actions but it’s something that just happened in the spare of the moment. 

On the drive home everything you can think of was going around my head, during this journey home I was pretty much in tears all way back to Preston. So I thought I’ll go for a little walk around the docks to try clear my head. 

Instead of that I decided that instead I would go into Morrison’s and buy some sleeping tablets and head back to my car. Where I proceeded to write my final goodbye message to the people that I loved. I proceeded to Asda in Fullwood and Sainsbury’s in Deepdale to buy some more sleeping pills. I proceeded to drive to my ex’s house as I thought she was out at this point and drop off these letters, pictures and everything else that I had put together for her to give to various people. I left my car at her house rang for a taxi to take me to the train station only to find that there was no trains running at 10pm at night. So I had to get a bus replacement to Manchester. 

Once in Manchester I was wondering around with a sleeping bag, bottle of vodka and some tablets pondering what I should do with my life and where would everything lead me to. After about 2 hours of wondering around Manchester hopelessly, I finally decided that I no longer wanted to be around this anymore and that I would attempt to do very serious harm to myself. I decided that I would then take 84 sleeping tablets and 21 of my antidepressants citalopram with the bottle of vodka, hoping that the end game would be taking my own life. A few days later being Thursday now I woke up thinking what on earth am I still doing here. After being found by two great friends and going through all the wonderful messages that everyone was putting out there to try and find me was quite overwhelming if I’m telling you the truth. Something that helps me through every day now.

It’s been a very, very tough four years to get to the point where I am today but I’ve now not taken a single antidepressant for a year now which is a massive achievement for myself. But I do still struggle from time to time which everyone will have to deal with.

So as you all know that I suffer from depression and some form of anxiety. The medication I took daily was called citalopram. This allowed me to deal with normal day to day life.

My anxiety is usually spurred on by a strange moods which can suddenly change within minutes. Let me start by saying, before anyone judges me, the other year when I decided to run away to Manchester I was someone who tried to deal with all my problems with suicide. I’m not going to lie yes every now and again I still do have very few thoughts, but I have certain ways I find that help me deal with these thoughts now especially talking to friends. 

My depression takes me to other places. That I never thought I’ve have gone before and this effects so many ways you wouldn’t believe. This effects things like friendships, work relationships and family life it all becomes so complicated.

In my brain it doesn't sit right, something seems different. I now notice little differences that 'normal' people probably wouldn't even notice. Things like that comment you didn't tag me in on Facebook, but yet you tagged other people? Yes I saw that, why didn't you tag me? What's up with me? You read that message that I’ve sent you, I saw you did, but you didn't reply. Why didn't you reply? Have I done something to upset you? Why aren’t you replying back?

When you’re speaking about you and they make a comment about you. Was that a joke? Was I supposed to laugh? Are they being nice? Or are they taking the **** out of me? Are they even talking about me? Do they talk about me all the time? I bet they hate me really and they’re just trying to be nice.

Am I doing this right? Is this what my grandad would have done? What if this is wrong? Oh god. What if they're embarrassed about me and what I’ve turned out to become and my own family are embarrassed about who their son, grandson, brother has become. Should I hide from them to save them the embarrassment of being around a massive disappointment in what I’ve become? Am I good enough to carry around this family name? Should I just run away and hide from all the problems?

And for all those questions I would have spent hours trying to answer in my head all the time. I let it all build up in my mind, until it sends me to tears and times I go to bed in tears thinking about all these things to the point I couldn’t sleep and was having to go on late night walks...... it's mental that all this can go through someone head in the space of 10-20minites isn't it? Is it not strange that I see things in this way? This is generally things that goes through a persons head whilst they're suffering with depression or anxiety.

Mental health does not only effect your mind it changes a lot about you as well it changes you mentally, as well as physically. Just look at how I used to eat, I used to eat a lot of food during the day and most of that was mainly rubbish. Like takeaways, sweets, chocolate, crisps etc. This is because I need the energy from lack of sleep. Insomnia, up all night answering questions to situations that don't even exists in my own head.

I still smile and I have every excuse under the sun for when you ask why I’m smiling all the time. This is mainly because I don’t want to show many people my weakness and that I am a strong individual that can deal with everything on my own. But the true fact is that no one can deal with everything on their own and everyone needs help at some point in their life no matter what the situation. But taking the medication also helped me to do a lot. Because I know when I start to feel this way or think this way, I need help. Luckily I have the best group of family, friends, and work colleagues around me when it comes down to these situations. Who whenever I need someone they’re always there for moral support and lead me through the dark times and out the other side.

I have family that really do care even though we don’t show it all the time. Friends who I never thought would have been there for me when I needed them the most. And then the working relationship that everyone that I work with. We all have time for each other and everyone is always there for you especially when you need them the most no matter what the situation is. All these people have always been there for me and helped me though the days and most of you probably don’t actually know you’re even doing it.

Most of all I now understand that I don't need to be ashamed of who I am or what I’ve become in someone who suffers from mental health weather its big or small. I don't need to be understood, I just need to be accepted and wanted for who I really am. Everyone is fighting their own personal battle and sometimes you need to be kinder to people, as they could also be suffering inside but know wanting to show weakness or that they are fragile. 

Don’t go through this alone there are always people there for you that you would never think would be there to talk to but crucially there is always someone there for you. It is always a better to look at life for the positives and not the negatives. You’ll never be alone it may take time but you’ll get there. Speak out please don’t be alone like I was for so long until till I opened up. You should not feel ashamed to express your feelings or for who you really are. Remember you're always loved! And remember the famous song You'll Never Walk Alone.

Samaritans-116 123, CALM- 080058 58 58, Papyrus-0800 068 41 41,

Minds matter- 01772 773437 (Preston number)

Please don't suffer in silence speak out speak to someone please.