On the 4th of October my team at work is holding a Dance Class Evening in aid of charity. This will be a class where we will be learning how to line dance, barn dance, and also do the bossa nova.
I don't even know what a bossa nova is, but it sounds horrific.
Those that know me are aware that I am possibly the least physically coordinated person in the entire world. I am also almost cripplingly socially repressed. In addition, I'm so physically unfit that I'm not convinced my knees will even bend anymore.
All these traits do not add up to be a man who relishes the idea of doing a "bossa nova".
So why am I doing this? Well it's in order to raise money for a incredibly good cause.
Eyup is a charity that raises funds to support mental health initiatives within the South West Yorkshire region. In the past they have helped set up dementia friendly community spaces, social groups for isolated people, therapeutic supplies for people in mental health hospitals, support groups for ex and current members of the armed services, and many many more valuable projects.
So I am subjecting myself to this dance thing (including the bossa nova) in order to support Eyup in the fantastic work that they do. And what’s more, I’m recruiting my daughters Cora and Amy to do it with me too!
But, perhaps even more importantly than that, I'm also doing this dance thing so that I can raise more money than all my colleagues do - therefore proving my superiority and crushing them into the ground like the worthless worms that they are. That'll teach them for coming up with this idea and putting me through this horrendousness.
Because, nothing says charity quite like vindictive and petty competitiveness.
So, I need your help.
I'm asking for donations to support my sacrificing myself onto this altar of humiliation. Anything you give will be much appreciated - and if I raise enough money I will even get my atrocious dancing efforts videoed and will publish them for all to see on facebook. Which will provide all my friends and family with ammunition to use against me for many years to come.