When I was 12 years old, who knew that my biggest battle was about to begin? I started developing strange repetitive and worrying thoughts that filled me with dread. These thoughts I believed could be countered by completing compulsions. At the age of 12 however, you have no idea what these thoughts are and why you are doing strange compulsions. You believe you think it’s normal at that age. But the thoughts began to overwhelm me and take over all cognitive behaviour to the point my friends and family began to notice.

I don’t know what started my OCD, maybe it was stress, an event or something I might have seen, i’m not sure. I don’t believe there is always a genuine answer for what starts a mental health problem. The mind is very complex and we still don’t fully understand it and I feel we will never understand the mind just as I don’t think we will never fully understand the complexities of the universe.

My OCD, notice how I use “my’ and not “the OCD”. OCD is a part of me, at the end of the day, OCD is trying to protect me in its twisted unique way. OCD is something you have to tame, to acknowledge that it exists with you but to not let it control you. Merely acknowledge the thoughts and try and simply let them go but this is easier said than done, believe me. My OCD then evolved into BDD which is Body Dysmorphic Disorder which is a cousin of OCD. I began obsessing over my appearance. I would spend hours of the day worrying and looking in the mirror trying to ‘fix’ things. Similar to obsessions and compulsions with OCD however the compulsions were burning my skin off, changing my hair colour darker to fit the dark-haired male stereotype. I tried to break and reshape my nose. I even remember looking at nose re-shapers online that said could stretch out the cartilage. I gained weight and lost weight. BDD got so bad that I then became agoraphobic. I didn’t want to go outside as I didn’t want anyone to see me. I remember my mum taking me out and I had my eyes down on the floor the whole time so no-one could see me. I felt if I couldn’t see them they couldn’t see me. I then saw on the corner of my eye a tear running down my mum’s face and it hit me there that I had to change or fight what was going on in my mind.

At the time I was very isolated and kept to myself and felt that everyone was talking about me outside if I heard something that sounded like my name I would freeze up. How can people I’ve never met know me? I imagined everyone was saying everything to me I feared at the time and wanted to change or burn off my appearance.

I then found out with the BDD still attacking me that I had to have a heart operation. I had been fainting a lot since I was very young and there was never an explanation for this. When I was at college I would run if I was slightly behind schedule and suddenly I would feel very faint. The fainting happened more often and instead of a few times a year, it would happen almost once a week. After getting tests done they found 2 large holes in my heart roughly stretching my heart by 3.5cm in diameter. My heart was mixing deoxygenated blood with oxygenated blood which caused the fainting. The worrying part was that my heart had stretched in size as too much blood was pumping into the chambers due to the holes. Similar to breathing air into a balloon, eventually if you keep going it will pop. Thankfully my heart is all back to normal now and is very healthy and back to its original size. But to go through a heart procedure as well as suffering OCD and BDD left me at the time very isolated.

I self-harmed a lot and my confidence was very low after the heart procedure and my mum put me up for acting lessons at Italia Conti. I don’t know why I said yes to doing acting lessons but I did. I was terrified on the first day of acting but slowly my confidence grew and I made new friends at Italia Conti. I auditioned for the National Youth Theatre and was accepted the first time. I was both excited and anxious for the first National Youth Theatre course as I was going to be away from my family. After two nights I broke down, my mind ridden with anxiety stricken thoughts and my mum picked me up the very next morning. I decided to travel in and out of the National Youth Theatre rather than stay at the place of the course. The National Youth Theatre did increase my confidence, however, I was still not very well and on one of the courses far away from travelling in and out of the theatre course this time.

My mind turned a very dark side and I ended up overdosing on too many pills with alcohol. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with drips and needles inside me. A terrifying experience I won’t forget and I still to this day do not understand why I did it. My mental health has been steadily improving with the right support from my family, friends and the support of the Princes Trust, and also collaborating with wonderful people in businesses such as Turnbull & Asser but it is still a forever ongoing battle. I understand my mental health thoughts will never disappear but I am learning to acknowledge them, understand they are there, and try to simply let them go as just “thoughts”.

Mental health is a topic that needs continued attention. News and media are just touching the tip of the iceberg with mental health. For too long it has been seen sub-par to physical health when in fact mental health is just as debilitating as physical health. People are a very visual species and we base something by how we look at it. It’s understandable as it’s an evolutionary response. You see something you don’t like and you run away to protect yourself. Mental health is insidious though, it hides, it feeds on your fears and uses them to control you. Everyone at some point goes through mental health whether it be anxiety or depression, everyone goes through it. Some just have it tougher than others. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression, OCD and BDD. I was afraid to talk about it and I hid it very well from people as I was too ashamed to show it. But this is now the exact thing I’m against, it needs to be talked about to fight the social stigma around mental health. Mental health isn’t something to be ashamed of but to be admired. It shows you are brave, and that you continue to search for answers, support and an understanding to make things better for yourself and those you care about. Some of the greatest creators, artists and mathematicians had mental health issues though it wasn’t understood at the time. Howard Hughes changed the way we travel on planes but suffered severely from OCD. People worry about being around people with mental health but actually, they are the most honest, brave and determined people they might ever meet.